Trying to Understand

This mornings all age service was great. There was such a powerful message being portrayed, a message that I had never considered in such a meaningful way before. God is the gardener and prunes us back so that we will produce good fruit in its plenty. We all have seasons and he trips us according to our season.... my season of education has come to an end and Im being trimmend and refined ready to prepare for the season that lies ahead whatever that may be.

This evening we just enetered into the throne room of Christ (or the gardeners shed!). It was awesome. I was just stood there hands in the air hungry for Jesus, literally straving and reaching as high as I could for HIM. Nothing else would satisfy but HIM. The 2 ladies that had just returned from Lakeland were ministering to us all, and I am sure that they were intent i was falling over, but i was standing firm. I wanted to reach higher into His throne room and I could only do that standing up with my hands heavenward. I have nevr felt the need to worship as hard or as passionatly as I did tonight. I did not give one care in the world about the others standing around watching me, all I wanted was Jesus in His glory.

Things arn't easy at the momment, but I have the most solid rock that I need in Jesus. I also have it in His body, the church, my church. I left church laughing but crying in my spirit. Here was a whole host of people who dearly love me, and me them but yet I can never be open and honest with them. Im changing that because the secret is the place of the devil and I do not want to be there. I want to be in the open and have all these people around me encouraging me and loving me through whatever comes my way, so that in return I can do it for them also. I have the best family that I could ask for....giving that up for the Lord and moving away will be a very hard task, but as I told Him last night Im prepared to do it if it means I can live in His glory and bring that to others too. I will sacrifice anything for you Lord, I will pray my kingdom out and yours in. Yours is the only kingdom that I want to live in and under, as is your glory.

You are holy Lord; You are worthy Lord.

I have been absent for over a month, but alot has happened!
I have been to Uganda and had the most amazing time of my life - learnt what it means to love Jesus in every situation and to scarifice everything for Him.
Got my degree results, ands wanted to throw them away all within the same 5 minutes. I still struggle to see the relevance of my degree in a world where there are thousands of kids not even able to get to a school let alone aford the small fees to attend.
Went to Jamboree with 10,000 guides and scouts from all over the world, and experienced first hand what unity is about and how the young people of our world and county have this message at thier hearts. If only some of the large poilitcal bodies can expereinece the passion these kids have in thier hearts for thier peers and thier environment. The atmosphere was moving.
Seen my sister admited to an anorexia unit, and relised the feeling of love I have for her has been hidden from me for the past 17 years... and am now struggling to try and understand and comprehend it. I have seen the effects that the world has on an individual who has been blinded from the love of Christ in her life.
Been to icthus and heart the most heart felt message on the depth and love of Christ that it is uncomprehendable. My love for MY JESUS is re-kindled, re-fueled and certyaibly re-alight.

The only thing I havent managed to sort out is a job or plan for 4 weeks time, but i guess things like that need to wait when there are more pressing matters arising, and everything is surrenedered into HIS hands.

Into your hands I commit spirit father.

June 3^rd 2008.

17 years of education complete! A new life begun….

It feels strange, if not a little exciting, and a fair bit apprehensive. I was so desperate to get out my last exam that I didn’t even answer the questions as fully as I would have liked; I’m sure I did enough to pass, and the rest Jesus will fix…. I’m just glad to be out of education.

I actually miss Writtle already and it’s only been a few hours, but I have a whole new life ahead of me and it begins in 7 days time. Actually it starts now – I no longer have the safety and security of the education system to protect me, but I have something so much stronger JESUS! Its awesome, I’m so excited. What Simon said on Sunday evening is so true, when you’re out of normality and out of your comfort zone in Jesus there is actually excitement as opposed to fear and apprehension. I haven’t a clue what I’m going to do after the next 5 weeks are over, but I do know that He knows and that is far good enough for me at the moment.

In the car home as soon as I drove out of Writtle’s driveway I was laughing and thanking Jesus and then found myself in tears. I thought they were tears of sadness, but God just whispered into my spirit that they were His tears of excitement. Tears that were expressing the fact that my new life is completely in His hands, His control and that He will provide. I thank you so much Jesus for your friendship and faithfulness over the last three years of university. I thank you for the enormous amount of blessings that you have bestowed upon me and the favour and grace that you have shown me. Lord God I pray that in your hands will rest the friendship I have lost with Amie at the moment – I am not sure what’s happened but I do know that you are my best friend. I thank you for showing that to me Lord, showing me the fact that I should not unravel my heart, my feelings or my true character to anyone but you my lover. I thank you Jesus that you are the only one who truly understands my dreams, my ambitions and my feelings. You have said that I can have my dreams Lord, and I believe you in that promise; my one desire is to bring your reality to the lives of others in the form of giving them hope and education – may your will be done on earth as it is in heaven Lord. Jesus you are my all in all and I am so glad to be starting my life with you; I have abandoned you in so many areas of my past, but my past is behind me and future with you lies ahead. It starts tomorrow when there are no strings attached, just time for me and you to be alone in each other presence, loving each other and sharing our desires. You are my father, my friend, my saviour and my king, and with everything I have I will seek to live for you.

The words of the songs that followed this, just re-assured to me all the promises of my wonderful Saviour. Who says God doesn’t speak through the things around us, let alone music?! It created my own little prayer to the one who knows best throughout music – awesome!

(Where can I go – Brian Houston / Ready to Fly – FFH / Jesus you Alone – Tim Hughes / I am free (who the son sets free) – Newsboys / God of Wonders – Chris Tomlin / I’m not ashamed – Newsboys / I wanna be moved – Ginny Owens.)

Jesus, my prayer to you: “Where can I go without you Lord? What can I do? How can I stand? You are my comfort, you are my strength. You are my shield and my right hand. And you pour out healing on me, pour out healing. And you make my spirit sour, and you make my burden light, and you soothe me in the storm, and you go before me in the fight. / I've been here grounded far too long, I'm ready to see the open wide, ready to sing a different song. I've seen my troubles 'long the way, I want to sail towards the sun, I want to turn another page, I'm on my way. I'm ready to fly. I'm ready to soar. I'm ready to leave this world behind. I'm ready to open up the door, I'm ready to fly. I'm ready to spread my wings across the sky, I think it's time I'm ready to go I'm ready to fly. You've told me I could rise above like an eagle on the wind, I can glide upon Your love but I feel the pull of gravity and it's a weight upon my shoulders I can't stay here any longer, I've gotta be free. And it's been so long since I've seen the bright morning sun through the early morning horizon, And it's been so long since I've felt the air under my wings, and seen all of these things from above. / Jesus You alone shall be my first love my first love, the secret place and highest praise shall be yours shall be yours. To Your throne I’ll bring devotion may it be the sweetest sound. Lord this heart is reaching for You now. So I'll set my sights upon You, set my life upon Your praise, never looking to another way. Day and night I lift my eyes to seek You to seek you hungry for a glimpse of You in glory in glory. You alone will be my passion, Jesus You will be my song, You will find me longing after You. / Through You the blind will see, through You the mute will sing, through You the dead will rise, through You all hearts will praise, through You the darkness flees, through You my heart screams, I am free! I am free to run (I am free to run) I am free to dance (I am free to dance) I am free to live for you (I am free to live for you) I am free (I am free). / Lord of all creation of water, earth, and sky. The heavens are Your tabernacle, Glory to the Lord on High. God of wonders, beyond out galaxy You are holy, holy. The universe declares Your majesty You are holy, holy. / I'm not ashamed to let you know, I want this light in me to show, I'm not ashamed to speak the name of Jesus Christ. What are we sneaking around for? Who are we trying to please? Shrugging off sin, apologizing, like we're spreading some kind of disease. I'm saying "No way. No Way.” / I don't wanna be a flame; I wanna be a raging fire! Tired of my will, my way, Your calling's higher. Oh, I know it's time I stopped running from the Truth so I'll stand here still, until I'm filled, I wanna be moved, I wanna be moved by You. Wanna be a rebel with a Holy cause, Stand against the Devil and hold up my cross, You have a mission for me; a reason why I'm here.”

Another thing which brought a smile to my face today was the poem Anyway, by Mother Teresa that was on the wall of the room where I did my exam. Just another assurance that my life that has now started and is for His purposes, and that I should not allow myself to be put down, or criticised by others … it’s only His opinion that counts.

 

Ending the day with some champagne to celebrate;  the end of an era and the beginning of a life. Feels sad to call all those past 21 years an era, but that’s all its been… the foundation stone upon which the rest of my life may fall – then again, God’s in charge, and it may not! We’ll just have to wait and watch his plan unfold!!

 

Only 9 days to go, until I start the adventure of a lifetime. I’m so excited inside, but now the time is nearing I’m actually starting to get rather scared and sad – I’m just beginning to realise the things here that I love so much. Church is number 1.

My mouth hurts – not from the wisdom tooth pain because God has healed that, but from constantly smiling for the past 2 weeks and a bit, I’m totally changed – I feel so happy and alive in my spirit its awesome. I am a free range chicken – as the song we sang this evening says (Mine and Chris Ling’s song!) “I AM FREE”. I do just feel completely free! Thank you Jesus.

Simon preached an awesome (spontaneous) sermon tonight on Joash and Revival and the lessons that we can learn from him. He spoke a lot about windows of opportunity and just being ready and willing to jump right through them in faith. I felt God speak to me and say that I can have the desires of my heart. I was shocked; I felt like God obviously hadn’t seen or understood my desires because they are so big, yet He says that I can see them through to fulfilment. He keeps saying it again and again, that I had seen the opportunity and the desires will be fulfilled because if it.

THEN whilst Simon’s praying he says the following to me:

“Rachel. You’re going to have a phenomenal month. You’re going to be outside of your natural comfort zone, your going to be outside of yourself. But to be outside of yourself is to be ecstatic; therefore you are going to be so happy. You do not have to worry about Uganda. You’re going to be outside if yourself, there was a door of opportunity and you went for it. Hallelujah.”

I wasn’t trusting that what I was hearing was God because He has to re-affirm it again. But I’m glad I did … and I’m learning to tune into more and more of His language and senses day by day.

I do have this sense of excitement in my spirit coupled with anxiety that Tuesday will leave me in the world without the security of the education system. But, so what! The securities of the wings of Jesus are much safer and comfortable. There will be no walls between me and Him and I inte3nd to enjoy every second of His presence in the holy and intimate place.

Friday’s exam was totally God given – it was a breeze which was a real blessing in itself. It feels weird to think that I may never have to do the stuff that I have studied for three years, because my life is surrendered into His plan and not my own… I will just seek His face, and wait.

Saturday was spent whacking out 2 assignments, and thankfully they were achieved. Xalt in the evening was really good and just nice to spent time with Matt, Izzy, Hannah and Becca. People like this I am going to miss if I make the decision to go back over to Uganda for the long-term. Keith spoke about Revelation 11 where Jesus will give us ‘our name’ on a white stone. Not the name our parents gave us, or the name society has enforced on us, or the name we have chosen to become labelled as but His name for us. I just felt God whisper ‘daughter’; it was immensely quiet but equally as powerful. I’m still carrying around my white stone to remind me of that promise and the fact that I only have to live up to the name that He gives me… labels such as waste of space, lazy, etc… that society may have pushed in my direction I refuse to accept. The only name I aspire to live up to is the one on that white stone that Jesus gives me; my heavenly name; the name by which I’m known to Him.

Dudley was awesome last night; all about Solomon’s peace and rest. Worship was great and we were just all drawn into that Holy place and the presence of Jesus was so tangible! There were loads of healings which was also awesome – people being healed almost instantly from ME, MS, Multiple Injuries, family separation, thyroids etc… To see God at work like that is one heck of an experience, and you certainly leave never doubting His healing powers again.

Trevor Baker preached on peace and rest. This was a very timely message for me with regard to uni assignments, exams and Uganda preparation etc… and at the impartation we all got given peace and rest too. However I think that this morning my newly found peace and rest is too much! Despite the fact that I have these two assignments to start and finish by tomorrow afternoon im completely calm, overslept and now spending too much time on the internet without a care in the world. Isnt Gods power just awesome! Then sometimes I get a bout of inspiration and the words just fall off my fingertips and it sounds perfect! He’s so good to me.

House-group this evening was awesome too – even though there was suppose to be no meeting so glad that I went. It’s the last time that I will see Shanaaz at house group. Ally took some great photos and we all had a great laugh. Really looking forward to the 7^th for the party at Chris Cotterill’s to say goodbye, although it will be a really sad time because Shanaaz has become like a sister even though I haven’t had that long to get to know her.

Gods healing my wisdom tooth also which is great (not only because He’s awesome, but because now I’m spared of a dreaded trip to the dentist too)!

Pack holiday has been awesome, but I’ve missed church like never before. I just have this fire in my stomach and I want to fuel it more and more… I long for you Jesus.

I stand against the spirit of religion in this world. We need Jesus not religion. I pray Lord that the effect church has on the young Brownies yesterday will not be remembered. They didn’t see you through hymns and religious ways – reveal yourself to them Lord.

I feel judgemental about not liking church on Sunday, probably because I missed Lexden so much, but there was a spirit of religion in that building and amongst these people and I just want to break if off Lord and call upon your name and your revival to break out. God loves us for who we are, and if we get into the mindset that He looks at our actions whilst in church we are entering into dodgy ground spiritually. Adrienne couldn’t identify with this being church and I felt that that summed it up. I was asking God for a way to show Him to the girls and on the way home I got the answer – an overnight sleepover at church, where we just happen to visit the church on Sunday morning for an all age event…. There has to be a way that I can show kids church as not all hymns, pews and regimental activity – Jesus is here to be known personally and not through prayers published in a book. I’m sorry Lord, I can feel the anger rising – I lived under religion and ‘rules’ for far too long (9 years lost of building a relationship with my father) that I do not wish this upon this generation. I want to be able to play my part in changing the opinion of the people in my spheres of influence.

Looking forward to Dudley again tomorrow, but I still miss Lexden. Just more and more of your fire Father, more! Screaming Bam in antictipation!!

University seems like a test… a test of my faithfulness to Jesus. How can I hide the fact that I am just full of Him? I love the feeling and want it more and more, but at the same time I am so conscious of the fact that if asked any really probing questions I wouldn’t have the words to say. More wisdom Lord!

Met with jenny for lunch, and she was just hungry to know more… really hungry. It was so amazing to see her passion for Jesus, and her interest in what had been happening, and the fact that she wants to come to church to experience it…. Its not about Lexden though, it’s all about you and your presence Jesus, and that’s everywhere. At one point I was shaking in the spirit in the Writz just explaining about the past few days, having real trouble getting my words out in any coherent order, and she bursts out thumping the tables telling people that Revival is coming, and that they all need Jesus. I have to confess that I asked her to stop – how self-conscious of me… it shouldn’t be about how or what I feel, but about the amount of glory that Jesus gets. I was however much more open to the fact about telling people about Jesus than I would have been last week – another sign that my box and fear of judgement was smashed by the King on Tuesday!!

In the afternoon me and Jenny met with Hannah and went for a McFlurry trip – was great. I’m so going to miss Hannah when I’m away, we’ve become like sisters – I’ve seen her everyday this week….! It was great to share some of the fire with Jenny, but I pray that she will continue to receive it, and a deeper revelation of Jesus and His father heart which is so evidently clear to me at the moment. I regret the fact that we didn’t offer to pray directly with her, I hope she didn’t take any offence to that – I think it was just the reserved part of me kicking in, and the fact that I got so distracted in telling her all the amazing stories about the healings that I saw etc… I just love Jesus, and His Kingdom more and more by the minute.

Alpha in the evening was awesome; how can I resist evil was postponed on the Holy Spirits schedule, and gosh was His presence felt. It was amazing…. Stuff that I have been praying for, and hoping to see this week happened – people that have never experienced the spirit, and especially people that have doubted their faith, or are very uncertain fell over in the spirit. Grace was so shaken up, she was in tears and shaking ages after it happened. She can’t deny God now, she felt Him, and didn’t know what to say. Lord I just pray that you would continue to have this impact on your people father. Convince them through the experience of your spirit of your divinity, you holiness, and your fatherhood. Show them your reality Father.

Lee and Jonathan asked me and Hannah to pray with people, and it was great. I feel so comfortable doing it now, its almost strange to think about it because a week ago I found it hard to talk to these people let alone pray more of the spirit, or healing for them. God has shattered my walls, and I’m starting to become comfortable in the new surroundings.

Gone to pack holiday this evening, and I’m really looking forward to it even though it means that I am putting off my uni assignment, but my largest issue lies with the fact that I will not be able to go to church at all on Sunday. I’m just so full of the spirit that I long to be there more and more, but being full of the spirit means that I’m in the position where I can just give it out more and more too, and for that to happen to the un-churched I need to be outside the walls of the building.

Lee said something interesting to me tonight, whilst He was praying for me… “Have you considered the gap year?” YES! I find it in interesting that this comes one day after there is the offer of potentially becoming a lecturer at Writtle, and a few months after I plan to just stay in Uganda. What one do you want me to go with Jesus? I only seek to do your will Father… show me your plan for my life, and your plan for your glory through me. I will obey – you have my heart, my soul, my hands, and my feet. I am yours in the entirety.

There’s nothing that I can do but stand and bow to His majesty. I have spent the majority of today on the floor for several reasons:

·         God is teaching me my position.

·         It’s good to be facedown in front of the Father. Standing in awe of Him and completely helpless allows for His glory and power to shine through.

·         My legs are like lead after the Holy Spirit gymnastics crunches and actions I’ve been doing uncontrollably since Sunday.

God is good, ALL THE TIME.

I’m pretty blown away by all that God has done in me, through me and around me these past few days that I was glad today was much slower and contemplative. I really sensed that God through His spirit was sealing everything that had been stirred up within us over the past three days. Gods spirit was equally if not more powerful during the quiet times and I just felt His touch and Him expressing His love for me. We reached that intimate place, and I desire it so much more; daily. I know that I can access it daily, I just need to commit to do so and the desire to keep seeking His face and His presence.

Neil asked me to pray for Ally about the business her and Tim have started. The spirit was pouring into me so much before I started praying that I could hardly stand up. God said after that He was just filling me up to ensure I had His words to say – I’m glad I have His words! Even though I was scared, I felt as if I was doing something right. God has started to use me – actually He’s always been using me but I have never fully allowed myself to surrender to it and loose the ultimate control of my words and actions. It’s certainly true that in giving out we receive.

The last bout of worship really sealed things and assured me of the things that God had whispered in the afternoon / morning whilst I spent 2 hours completely drunk and unable to stand slouched by the door.

I’m just totally astounded that God chose to use me, little old me, I never thought Id be doing these things but here I’ve been this week speaking into microphones, praying for people, worshipping with my hands in the air, crying in public, prophesying, jumping around and crunching in the spirit etc… etc… It just illustrates to me again and again the continuing goodness of His character and His desire to pour out gifts to us all. I just need to be open and remove my boundaries. Now I’m out of my box there is certainly no going back inside – I’m sure Chris Ling will make sure of that, even if no-one else does!

Really got to know Christ and others which was great and I’m reminded at how amazing my church family are. As Neil said yesterday, they are all on my side, so why should I feel embarrassed or judged?! This is the best place I have ever been in and I never want to leave – even if God takes me all around the world Lexden will always be my home. I have a relationship with everyone and some of them know more about me than my own family do. I’m truly blessed.

God did an amazing miracle in Diana Hubbard today when He healed her lungs. I believe in faith that’s he got a new pair of lungs. She was able to walk around without her oxygen machine which was brilliant. As Grace said that film crew are coming to see her healing testimony and not the person waiting on the list for a lung transplant. Our God, My God, Is a God of miracles.

Has been great to hear from Becky that the prayer and words me and Hannah gave her last night were comforting and a blessing to her. It’s a real encouragement to keep going in that, continually stepping out and just asking for more. I’m asking for more God….

As I adjust to normal life its going to be strange seeing how all of this fits into place, but I cant wait if I’m honest. It could be interesting! I started to feel deflated this evening that that was it, Intensive all over, but God reminded me that this was actually the beginning. This has been the commissioning and the filling of our vessels, so that the overflow we receive from now on is for His people in their places. We need to go to them, we cant just wait with open doors and expect them to come to us.

You give me the words Lord God, Ill speak them.

You give me the actions Lord God, Ill do them.

You give me the opportunities Lord God, Ill embrace them.

You give me the strength Lord God, Ill use it.

You give me the people Lord God, Ill love them.

Whatever you give me Jesus, Ill do, Ill use, cos’ its all for you and I’m all for you.

Your free range chicken – Rachel. xx

This morning I woke after a very blessed nights sleep with thighs that ache enormously. I just felt God say, “this is the weight of my glory that you will walk in form now on.” Awesome.

Was thanking God this morning for everything He did through and in me yesterday and what Chris said was absolutely spot-on; I don’t belong to myself, I belong to God and that’s why I cant control my words – He is making Himself known to others through my words! Got this amazing sense that God said He felt restricted in the box too. The box wasn’t just around me, but I had allowed it to form around us both. He’s glad that He’s now free and I can see the evident manifestation of that in the fact I’m not in control of myself anymore!!

How can anyone doubt a God that is so awesome and strong in His power? I cant – I’ve certainly tasted and seen and there’s no way that I’m ever going back to the previous me. As Chris said yesterday I look different,

I am different,

I am different in Christ…

But what’s best is that for the first time in my life I’m proud to be different!

I’ll be salt and light Lord God in a world that is dark and unsalty. Use me Father.