Trying to Understand

In light of everything that has gone on over the past 7 or so months and its accumulation, spirirually if not necessarily physically, on Sunday I wasn’t really looking forward to yesterday evening. I was challenged through.

To begin with I was defensive and really closed, it was so hard… nothing was said. Once it came up in conversation and I reacted how I had planned to saying that what was going on had been finished and sorted I felt much better. At the pub I had even got to the stage where I could say I was sorry for not being myself at church lately – this was enough; an accumulation of sunday after prayer with SR and tonight, and the foundations for healing have been laid. Following that something in the atmosphere and the spiritual realms changed; it was like 2 long lost friends being re-united. I am glad, thats how it should be.

As I said before, its finished, forgotten, and forgiven. Now it can be healed.
Im learning there is something completly different with Christian friendships that is lacking in non-Christian ones. Im reminded of times when I have been in positions with friends like this before and both ended in a much worse way, with very little scope for healing; rather the opposite – a very hurt heart.

I much prefer this way – with the understanding, comfort and grace of Jesus filling in the cracks, as opposed to bitterness.

Gosh – what has happened over these past 6 / 7 months…. my life felt like it was spiralling out of control, and everything was going wrong, relationships were suffering, uni was suffering but most of all me and Jesus and my mind were suffering…..

I started to discern it realising that it could not have just been a stroke of bad luck and as I relised more and more what it was it got worse. It hurt more. It became more complicated. I realised how everything was twisted up into one whole spiritual mess.

The past doesnt need dwelling on, but suffice to say the relationship between 2 families had become intertwinded wiuth me and H. What started of as gossip on ones side, turned into a spiritual battle. We spent weeks hating it, becoming religious turning up to church and not out of choice, feeling judged and living in torment.
We spoke to X and Y about it the other week, where it was hoped and prayed that an opportunity would arise for us to discuss the issue with the people involved. I just hated living in secracy anymore, everything was becoming a lie and I was living the stained glass menarade lifestyle Casting Crowns sing of. It was bringing me to feeling sick etc…. underneath I knew it was all spiritual.
At Levites it got worse when 2 attacks came in the same evening (unrelated) and I knew from that moment on this was now not a case of idle gossip, but a massive spiritual battle. Things worked up in me so much that I had to go and see someone else - confrontation not my thing this was not easy but necessary. The week progressed and the feeling inside was worse day by day – something in my spirit said sunday was the day.

True to His word as He always is – Sunday was the day. The spiritual atmospher was horrid – I felt sick and could see it in the room and feel it hitting me. SR was down from Y and everything he said was directed at us and the situation, this was no co-incidence – I stopped believing in that along time ago but I couldnt even have preteneded it was tonight, even B and M said things that were spot on. Of the people that knew about it it was writtern on thier faces too and even the people who had caused all this hurt knew it. It all came out – I was in tears, H was in tears, and C, S, K, M, R did the best they could to help us break it and pray against it. We had to forgive them, C forgave them and now its over….

It amases me just how quickly God can heal something when we relise we need his help. We had been turning to him for weeks about this but our relationship with him hgad been hindered by the devil who had burdended us with all this weight and tourment. God stepped in faithful to his word and said, ” its ok I love you. Your my children, Your conquerors. Its there sin and not yours. Do not be burdened.”

As soon as we had spoken to SR about it and prayed she came up to us. I hugged her in tears, and replied, “Im fine its all over”. That was also no mistake. It is, its forgiven, forgotten and finished – but re-building trust and understanding of that word will take a lot of time and need a lot of healing from Daddy too.

I feel like he took away all the rocks in the backpack that night and replaced them with helium. I can smile and mean it, I can laugh and not be fake, I can look at her and not be angry, I can talk to daddy again, I can love, live in love and live. I am free because of Him in me.

I’m now on the lookout to protect myself spiritually and physically. I will heal our relationship but with caution. I know who I can trust, and I know I am loved. Ive come on a horrible journey thorugh this but now its light, and laughter – my God stepped in and brought an end to a massive, deep and emotionally destroying situation. I have only him to thank and praise.

I love you Lord God. You are my sheltre, protector, provioder and strength, In you I find refuge and safety. In only you will I trust. I think this is yet just another one of the stories in my life teaching me not to trust in the world and people around me, but only in Him – the one true and valid constant in my life. People are not perfect, but He is, and He’s my father and friend. But more of all all, He is mine.

I love you Daddy xxx

I just had to make a memory of this conversation – in the midst of my procastination and groaning to the Lord that I can’t find any motivation to do my thesis a small window pops up at the bottom of my facebook and I have this short and sweet chat with a good friend who has moved out of the area. How good is my God! I love you Lord (said in sign as well of course!)

Lynne jer 29:11 follow your heart go for it you can easily pick up when back xx

1:27pmRachel hiya how are you?

1:27pmLynne you will be a spiritual mother for hundreds im fine thanks xx im in waffle mode lol

1:28pmRachel keep going – i needed to hear that! thank you so much x

1:28pmLynne sometimes we can sit and be still when father wants us to be active now

1:29pmRachel do you think God would be saying that now?

1:29pmLynne he preared you follow your heart

1:30pmRachel thank you so much…… i really so just want to follow my heart but am stuck at the moment as to whether actually i have taken the wrong path or am on the way to taking the wrong path,

1:30pmLynne at this mo what does your heart say

1:30pmRachel all i want to be is active in his will and all i seem to be doing is sitting still getting qualifications. I thought i was in a season of preperation but im starting to realise that the more i stay here im loosing the drive and passion of my God and thats not what he would require so i may in the wrong place…

1:32pmLynne well thats for a reason but we can be bogged down by education your a gifted woman of god and the things you have you needed you have follow your heart if its to early father will bring you back but trust him

1:33pmRachel thats true – thank you.

1:33pmLynne you have your staff and the armour of god and a solid education that equips you to meet the needs they have

1:33pmRachel i need to stop worrying and let him make the decisions, I know that its just a weird feeling not having any concrete plans cos my family cant understand why i am leading my life in this way! very true – i have been thinking about the armour God gives us alot lately too!

1:34pmLynne but you relying on father and thats good dont let your family or others be a stumbling block

1:35pmRachel i know, i try.

1:35pmLynne just have passport and prepare a case so when he says go you go ok xx

1:36pmRachel thank you so much for the words of encouragement. are you serious? – be that ready!!

1:36pmLynne thats ok felt prompted to share

1:36pmRachel Fantastic – i hav tried so hard to position myself in such a place for months removing all my major ties in this country so that I can go like tomorrow if called to! Awesome…!

1:37pmLynne it could be months or a year you know its coming so be ready for his command

1:38pmLynne your feeling of unsettleness idicates i think sooner then later xxx

1:38pmRachel i hope so – i just continue to trust in Him. Theres nothing left that I can do in my own power and strength. Are you down in Colchester any time soon? Would be nice to meet up and catch up properly.

1:39pmLynne thats try he in control enjoy the build up cause you know what he planning for you. im down hopefully may xx

1:40pmRachel great – let me know and maybe we can catch up.

1:41pmLynne you take care hun, just remember ok that enjoy the build up try not to worry xx deffo meet up xx

1:41pmRachel i will do – thanks for what you said…. i just needed to hear that someone else thought the same as me – i always doubt so much what I think I hear God saying! Its a great encouragement – thank you. xxx

1:43pmLynne your welcome. praise the lord he uses ppl that not in midst of things to build up and encourage thank you father you are good all the time xx

Im learning sign language, and finding it an amazing experience. Part of it is making me challenge my learning styles and see that in reality I am a fair amount of an activist and kinestetic learner – or prehaps Im just so sick of textbooks, journals, the internet and reading this is a good release and something different to focus my mind and attention on.

I have found that a good way to build up my general vocab and speed and fluidity of signing is to learn signs to songs. Since the majority of the songs that I know off my heart are worship songs thats exactly what I have been learning. Sign Langauge first appealed to me when I saw a lady signing for interpretation at Icthus in 2007… I was blown away buy the beauty and emotion. I guess I had forgotten alot about that because now when I am signing all I seem to feel is emotion. I can express things to the Lord in words unspoken – simple hand movements that need my facial expressions or emotion behind them to make any sense. It is a beautiful language.

I have just learnt above all powers and that continues to blow my socks off at how moving a song that I knew pretty much off my heart can be when you ‘sing’ or worship using it in a different way. I guess thats also why Cre8 strikes a chord with me…. worship in a different way. I feel as a coroprate church we need to explore this further, for refreshing and reminder that worship is not just about spoken words in song.

My vocab is growing but so is my love for the Lord, and my expression of that through sign.

Lately I have been awakened to the fact that we live in a spiritual battle – something has been putting me off writing all my thoughts, feelings and prayers here lately and thye more that I think about it I kow that it is the devil keeping me from pressing forwards. This is often the only way that I can express my own thoughts and feelings and in stopping me writing and unloadfing my heart he is heeding my pathway to the Father. I have decided not to be beaten, I will press forward.

Prehaps the experience that showed me this spiritual battle so clearly was the other Friday nights Street pastors. I have been against going for months feeling that it was too dangerous a place to be on Friday night as a 22 year old female, however I wanted to see what ll the hype was about. I agreed to go with Keithy, knowing that then I wouldnt be pressurised into joinging immediatly.

The date was set and I started to look forward to it. That day every concieveable thing went wrong (was the day described in the previous post), J left, I had an encounter with a student that I would rather have not had, a lady on the phone wound me up etc…. small things mainly that normally would not have caused me concern. I knew it was the devil but failed to recognise it in time.

Driving the SP it got worse, seeing the people p;ile on the streets I was stressing this wasnt the thing to be doing. I parked (eventually!!) and started walking to the church, I became awrare that tonight would be hard and I needed to pray on my own and put mu armour on. Asd I did i relaised the antics of the day had been the devil tryong to stop me from going. I stood against it knowing that we were going out in His authority to make a difference.

11pm came and we left the safety of the church for the streets, I felt an idiot in my coat when people were out in nothing but I felt authority. I felt that I was suppost to be there, I was allowed, I walked in authority. It was immense. His prwsence was evident even amongst the atmosphere on a Friday night on the streers anbd clubs.
The night only got better. We would stand and pray over situations, situations which were violent looking but its as if we were invisable – peiople didnt approach us with vilenece or anything, amazing!! Small acts of kindress were greatly appreciated.

One lady stood at the taffic lights at 3am hailing down a taxi to no avail. We walked her to the taxt rank and she grabbed my hand for security once she was assured who we were. She squeesed my hand so tight it was red, and all she could say was thanks, thanks. When she got in the taxi she pulled me to close to hug her – I know Jesus loves her and will work in her becausde of our small act of taking her to the taxi – wouldnt Jesus have done the same?
The evening came complete with laughter and seriousness – one girl had to be sent to hospital after it was suspected someone had spiked her drink, it makes me think what would have happened if people like us were not there – she could never have made it home. Laughs were also in abdunace as we mixed with the homeless on the streets and saw Scooby Doo and Wilma pile into a taxi. There is no better way to spend an evening than being his hands and feets.

Even though Im learning No at the moment, im saying Yes to this. My heart is there and Jesus is teaching me that this is a step of faith, and a step in which he will expland me and help me walk in obidemnce and relationshipo with him. It shows how far Ive cme since that evening on the town where I spent hours in bed having convulsions…. if that wasnt a spiked drink I dont know what it was.

Only jesus will prevail. My Jesus. He will reign in the hearts of all ion the streets – if not today, soon. They will find him and SP is just one way of speeing that process up – showing people who need it the oractical love of Christ, After all Jesus wuld be out there in a SP jacket anyday – he already is. He goes way before us.

Thank you Lord.

Change is always a painful experience, especially if your like me and hate it. Even moving the sofa takes a whole week or two to get used to, but a major change involving people – well that hurts.

I have known for months that this change was going to happen, I had managed to convince myself that I would be able to cope with it as hopefully I would be moving in the same direction very shortly but I was still not prepared for the immense cruching feeling that I would feel when we locked the office for the very last time.

Both J and I have known since before christmas that she was off to pastures new to start a more academic career and when I found out I coulsnt have been more happier for her; the opportunity was fantasti, the timing brilliant and the location perfect. I was uposet, who wouldnt be at loosing a colleague and friend but in the light of what could have happened she wasnt going far. I gave it all over to God – he had put me in this situation so far and I know and continue to trust that it is for a purpose and the next step will become clear in his perfect timing and not before.

We had spent the last few weeks laugfhing and joking as normal, typing people, drinking tea, going for lunch etc…. just normal things, but all the time ignoring the fact that the last day was drawing nearer. We even managed to get through the leaving tea and cakes without it really hitting home. Clearing out the office it became more real – things hit the bin, the keep pile but all the time there was still no real sense of today being the end. We locked up the office and stood and looked at the car – a career in a car. It hit. Even I couldnt hold in the tears…..

I know that I will see J again, tonight infact, so that isnt the issue, I think that my pain was caused by the fact that J has been there for me in more ways than necessary over the past 2 years expecially and we had just developed a strong friendship. I know I will be fine on my own in the office and I will get the work done that I need so that I can also move onto new horizons, but that letting go period is always hard – especially when you have denied in your heart that it will happen for the last 4 months.

I release her to you lord, your your guidenace and protection, your frinedship and your love. I believe you planted me there for a purpose, and unfortunately that has not been quite met as yet, still work through me father, use every opportunity for your glory and purpose.

Whilst spending the weekend thinking about this i relaised than in some situations i have put more friendship into J than Jesus. I need to change that attitude. I know the reason behind it – its the whole how can I have a friendship with someone i cant see and interact with, and I also know that that is the devils trick. I know that I do have a fship with Him and that I will work on it and improve it more, I just need the motivation to do it. This provioded it. I shouldnt have such a striong friendship with something that can be taken away – and He is the only one constant. The past 2 years have shown me that if nothing else.

So my final thoughts on the mater are that I release her to your power and protection, and that I need You more to instil in me that desire to place fship and trust in your hands.
Hide me in the darkness Lord, not the darkness of the devil, but the darkness that comes from being so close to your wings hiding in the shadows.

Where have the last 5 weeks gone??? – so much has happened and so much has past. Ive tried to keep a mental note of everything that I wanted to capture on paper, to keep that permant record off, but a lot of stuff has slipped through the net which is my seemingly failing memory!

Over the past weeks a lot of accidents have occured on the roads; however the strangest yet most amazing thing is that I had not of listenined to the prompting of the holy spirit and delayed my actions or left early like I did i would have been in most of them…. scary but amazing. Jill even commented on it, how she kept missing major accidents. I honestly believe that this was God showing me His hand over me in even the smallest of situations – in some way re-literating the day of the armed robbery…. he can and will chance our path by 10 minute if it is for our good. We were brought with a price, and the devil continually wants us back. He wont have me, I have Him. The Him that is above all things. The Him that is Jesus, my Lord and my Saviour.

The other week I randomly lost my voice on a Monday afternoon, I think I saw its purpose when I had my surverisory board meeting in the afternoon…. Im so behind, but Tom says that he has ‘every confidence’ i will complete this to the best standard and make it to a PhD. It just shows me how I feel so out of control and yet God has it all in hand, at the end of the day Im going to be guilty of plagarism – Gods plagarism. Its not me writing my work but Him, his sense of humour has me in this position!! haha.
That evening we had Thinking Day meeting at Brownies and bring a friend. 40 kids and no voice – fun!! The evning was fab and we each made a small square of the world and decorated it and then on the back wrote our promise for the world; the girls came out with some fantastric things, i was very proud.

The next day I lay on the sofa feeling completly ill…. and am prompted to think and pray for Katy, Danny and the 3 kids. In the evening it happens againbut this time I feel the HS wants me to let Katy know Ive been praying for her. Within 5 minutes of me texting a very old number I have for her she rings….. in tears. 4 hours ago Eddy was diagnosed with Angelman Disease a form of Aspergers. I had been prompted to pray for the knowledge of His love and compassion given the circumstances. How good is our God that he puts into action prayer before the diagniose comes so that they may be encompassed in his love and compassion.

The Wednesday (day after) I was at Church AGM and we went to MFI. Its amazing and going to be so big…. Literally a dream come true. Chris prayed for my throat - after hearing about Eddy I had forgotten to pray for my own minor healing.

Do I want a partner? England or Africa? – Need to loose all the ties in this country so that i can be free tomove when the time comes. My desire for jesus is higher than my desire for a relationship.

Hautbois County Weekend – Go training and personality theory.

Ladies detective agency – Botswana and an appreciation for the culture.

Saying No – Uganda.

Taking the LIA project further into the education community.

Snow / Rain / Spring – what are we doing to this world?

melanie, June and Lynda – major change in me. Herat set on God. Yet mum and Dad cant see it. Maybe down to a loss of control over my life.

hadjer had a baby in the last 2 weeks.

Aloe vera leaf – Kagwa. Tears with Beryl. Large thing with regard to emoption at the moment – since shared with group!

Davey Falcus at Charter Hall.

How small / big is the world??

Flute

Sign language

Difference in Learning Styles and MBTI type.

Removing ties from this country – do I want my PhD to be another tie?

Last night was a dangerous night to be on the roads, but when you know that God has something planned yu have to brave the snow, ice and scathing voice of the devil telling its far better to stay at home. Last night was fab, so what I needed… lately I have felt empty, not after last night. Im alight and its great.

Albert and Tina Cannon came to minister. Some of the main points that I picked up and really took to heart were:

• Whilst we dont geographically where Heaven and Hell are, we do know where they are. They are the just the other sides of the last breath that we will breathe.
• We need God in everything. This is a true statement and one that I am far aware of, but had never thought of it in this context…. we need Him to lend us our next breath.
• God has far more purpose and skill than all of us put together on the earth. He does not look for our ability, but our availabilty.
• Everytime we leave the church we will leave changed in one way or another. We can allow our selves to be melted like butter or hardened like clay.

There were some more great quotes, but I cant recal them… I hope that the audio will be up soon and I can listen again. At times I was a little scared of him, and he did go on and on about there being a witch in the building – its horrid when someone talks like that, feels right like he is talking to you. But, the evening on a whole was fab.

I have felt quite angry with God in some respects lately. The YFriday lyrics I heard the other day have had me hung up for a while about Uganda and the faces of the children.

How can we dance when our brothers are dying
Broken by famine and war
Where is Your hand to wipe out this oppression
Where are You, where are You?

How can we laugh when Your children are crying
Thrown to the beasts of this world
Anguish and hatred, their mothers and fathers
Where are You, where are You?

Rise up, Spirit of the Heavens
Rain down through us
Rise up, a Jesus generation
To love and serve like You

I guess I just got angry and annoyed, because all I want to see is them helped and loved, and I know that God is far able to do that in one breath, but yet they are still living in such conditions. Last night while being prayed for I just heard God say that as much as I want to parent Iman, and see her face, He wants to parent me and seek my face…. this really spoke to my heart as it was something I could identify with. The pain of being seperated from her daily is heartbreaking, so i guess i got a bigger sense of what Christ feels like in those comments.

Today, Im on a high for Jesus. I know He has plans for them children and everyone in poverty, and that it would un-sensible to change the whole world in a click of fingers… we need to change the heart attitudes of people that have caused these major indeifferences and poverty, not just making a quick fix remedy. I grabbed my bible to find a scripture, and it opened on Psalm 27; I read and it was like my prayer….. fantastic. Then I got to verse 13, and I relised the answer to my ‘anger’ with God about the Imans and Kagwas of the world,

Psalm 27:13-14 (NIV)
13I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living.

    14 Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD

I AM STILL CONFIDENT OF THIS, I WILL SEE THE GOODNESS OF THE LORD IN THE LAND OF THE LIVING. I WILL SEE IT, I WILL. THAT MAKES ALL THE SUFFERING OF WAITING WORTHWHILE. I WILL SEE THE GOODNESS OF THE LORD IN THE LIVES OF THESE CHILDREN.

I am excited.
I looked up the Psalm in the Message translation. Its fantastic, such passion and meaning :)

Psalm 27 (The Message)

Psalm 27

A David Psalm