Trying to Understand

Life seems like such a confused mess at the momment. I cant concentrate, do any work, and consequently things seem to be spiralling out of control. On the drive to uni today I made up my mind that I was just going to worship God through all of this, and that would see me through. As Chris Tomlin say, "We were made to Worship." God is my everything, but at times (today is a prime example) feels like my nothing. Not because He is not there but because I cant find Him through all the stresses of the day etc. I need some time to refocus my mind, and put into action the wake up call that is coming from my emotions of seeing death surround me. I need to refocus on Jesus, and put Him first in my life, not second to the fact that I am unable to get this dissertation or assignment completeted.

At the momment procrastination seems to the way - but it needs to change for so many reasons...

Death.
A subject that we try to avoid but prehaps one that we need to think about more. The death of a loved one leaves a big whole in our heart, the death of someone we have never heard of doesnt go anywhere near touching our emotions. So how about the death of someone we have grown to love and respect from hearing about them, but never actually having met them? I face that situation now; I dont know how I feel? Im shocked, but I know that I have an ever faithful God by side. I know that he is going to a better place, but I know the pain that will be left behind by his departure.

God however seems to be making me think of death from his perspective. What does the death of him mean to God? he can be with one of this faithful disciples in the glorious heaven.

We know the reward of death for a christian is heaven, so we know the consequence for a non-christian is hell. What does this sort of death mean to God? God looses one of his precious children. The grieving must be immense for God in this situation - I believe God has emotions, such as this... if he is able to rejoice over his children he must be able to grieve aswell. Our role in this situation?? Not to sit here thinking about the loss of a friend (although I do believe that it is right and biblical to grieve him) but to be out there in God's kingdom making sure that God doesnt have to see people die and not enter heaven with Him.

As Keith said Saturday night at Xalt it is hard to find the positive in everysituation, and to be thankful in all circumstances, but here I believe it is right to be thankful to God for the provision of life that was given to him, and how He worked through him to impact so many people. I think its right to be thankful to God for making us aware of the continued need for salvation in this town.

I pray your peace over this family tonight Lord God. May your love and peace fill thier hearts as they realise that he is at peace with you Lord Jesus. Lord we cant even come to terms with the wonder of heaven that he will be in with you tonight. Thank you Lord that you go before us in the fight, and I ask you Lord for boldness to speak your word and bring your life to the lost; I dont want to see you loose and more people Lord. Give me a heart for them Lord God. Thank you for showing me how you see the death of your children Lord. Give us more of a passion for you Jesus; rekindle in our hearts that first love Lord.

After praying and writing about this, I found this verse, "Precious in the sight of the Lord, is the death of his saints." Psalm 116:15. To say that God delights in the death of this saints is wrong, but also right I feel. As christians we are in win win situations. It saddens me that so many people arnt going to heaven........we need to act.

I love these times at Gosbecks, unfortunately I have only been able to make it twice so far. The first time I was immensly sceptical it has to be said, but it was a real eye opener to me. God loves me, and the length he will go because of that cannot be measured by our small earthly brains!! God said some stuff to me that answered questions I had been asking since Decemeber 15th 2005 - the armed robbery.

This time however, I could not get comfortable, and kept getting continually distracted for the first 45 minutes. The time following that however flew past as I was reminded of the verse that Sophie taught me, "I am a daughter of the King, that makes me a Princess. Part of the family of God and joint heir with Jesus." Romans 8:17.
I have never forgotten this, since she told me, but I have never thought of it in these ways either -
What does being a princess mean?
What is the inheritance of Jesus? I am co-heir to that inheritance!
What does it mean to be "part of the family"?
What is the definition of a "daughter"?
All of this was amazing stuff, that sort of re-confirmed things from Sunday when people were saying to me that I can stand before God and look him in the eye, have a confidence before him, he is my father.

I am going to illustrate my feelings on this subject graphically when I get the oppertunity.

Firstly God never ceases to amaze me.... - Sunday evening when Bill and Sue Dupley from TACF told us to ask God for our requests what 2 things did I as for? A deeper sence of intimacy / day by day knowledge of jesus with me, and to see from a new perspective the Power of Jesus.

So, at CU tonight (the first time I have been!) there was a guest speaker talking about, "The Power of Jesus" as illustrated in Mark's gospel. This is no co-incidence, but God-incidence!!!
It was amazing to hear this new perspective and truth that comes from an understanding of why Mark wrote his gospel in the way that he did.

The three pivotal verses in the chapter:
Mark 1 v 1 - "The beginning of the gospel about Jesus Christ, the son of God."
Mark 8 v 29 -""But what about you?" he asked, "Who do you say I am?". Peter answered, "You are the Christ."" 
Mark 15 v 39 - "And when the centurion, who stood there in front of Jesus, heard his cry and saw how he died, he said, "Surely this man was the Son of God!"".

More...

Its as simple as that... how I love God's faithfullness to grant his promises.
Acts 2 v 17, "I will pour out my Spirit on all people." God certainly poured out his spirit last night!! I had felt the power of the Holy Spirit last night, but this was amazing. I felt drunk, completly drunk!! ha. I was driving drunk in the spirit - yet I felt completly safe! I ran to the car, and couldnt stop my legs! I was filled with God's goodness - he is good!!

I couldnt sleep, I kept waking up praising the Lord, raising my hands at 2am in the morining. I have never felt this way for God before, I justr want more and more. All of this seemed to emphase a call from God saying to me that i need to seek everything from him, even the feelings of joy and satisfaction.
At the start of the meeting I asked God for a deeper sence of him being next to me, with me all the time, and a call for that intimacy.

Throughout the fire tunnel I had it prayed over me that I could stand in front of God with confidence, by the time I got to the end of the tunnel, they were saying that Daddy wanted to me stay sat on his knee! I was laughing and crying and reflective in the spirit - I am the not the right build to be sitting on Daddy's knee but I knew we wanted me there!! haha.

Today I have not been the same - I feel alive, as opposed to just being existant. I am finding it increasingly hard to just sit here and write this - I have been jumping around my room, reading the bible. Praising God from his own word for about an hour! I found this passage which I love,
Isaiah 53 v 10
       "Though the mountains be shaken
       and the hills be removed,
       yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken
       nor my covenant of peace be removed,"
       says the LORD, who has compassion on you. "

I am set up for the week, the month, the rest of my life!! I am so exastic, and cannot wait for soaking prayer on Wednesday evening!

7 days - thats all it seems to take to make things seem as bad as they can possiably get. I am so blessed yet feel so worthless. This is the attitude i need to get rid off - there are so many people worse off than me in the world, yet my world often seems so self-centered.

I realise that my feelings, my life, and as a consequence my spiritually seem to be on a never-ending rollercoaster. Felt comforted when reading one of Mike Pilivachi's books this morning tho that Faith is not something we have on and on and off switch basis, but is a sliding scale - so from this perspective its ok to ask for more faith.....

Things have just been naff this week, and i know we have new Mercies every day from our heavenly father, but it seems as if these events just needed a mourning period. Lets pray that everything will be back to normal on Monday and hopefully I can use the half term holidays as a rest period on the Brownie front.

Looking foward to a more productive week.

x x

I had realised that God has blessed me in so many way with the people that he has put in my life over the past 6-12 months, but it hadnt really sunk in until last night.
I guess I had seen these people (one in particular) as a role model I wanted to model my life around her. Everything was perfect - family life, career, personality, friendships etc... I looked up to her as a role model but God showed me last night that she has a role model but was not a God that I needed to model my life around. Yes its ok to look up to her, repect her and show an interest, but my model of life needs to come from the Bible.

I am blessed to have so many parental figures in my life. I suppose I feel that I have never had a mother in my life - due to many reasons which I am dealing with at the momment - by God has placed these "surogate mothers/families" in my life by which i am extremely blessed. Each so different yet the same in one way - the Love and care that show to me. I am extremely blessed.

My church family - this was a big revelation and blessing to me a few months ago when things were hard at home and I realised that it was these people I classed more as family than my own blood relatives.
NL ML- 2 people that I will always look up for thier wise words of wisdom and continuing compassion.
JB - I feel like one of the family! its so lovely to know you have a whole new extended family just a small trip down the road when times get rough.
SN - Only a text way is my Second Auntie who is always right!!
Lorna - A mum that I have grown up with, and knows nearly everything about me. I can be so open and honest around around her it is amazing.
JC - A true angel at the bottom of my garden!!
CL, MB, and HC - the latest of my motherly crew who are always on the lookout for me, in may ways that I yet dont understand.
CH - One of my biggest mothers of all. I love her! She DOES know everything about me, something no-one else does. I love her for her support and continued faith in me, when other people would pass me by at the way side. She is a modern day example of the Good Samaraitan.

I thank you Jesus that you have put these people into my life, I ask that you bless them as you have blessed me. They are all special to me in many ways, yet none of them can compare to the love that you show. They show me your love in action, not only to me but the others around them. They all hold a very dear place in my heart lord God and I pray that you would continue to show me what it is to have these people as blessings in my life, with you as the one and only model. I am sorry Lord fopr the times in which I would idolise these people and want to live my life in a similar way to them. There are deep reasons why I think of these people more of a mother than my own mother, which only you know Lord. I pray Father that you help me to heal this pain, and deal with these issues, and try and restore some faith in my earthly mother. For the time being though Lord I know that I can confide in you my heavenly father.
Thank you God!

Yesterday was a shock of a day with the news of a family friends Son's death, but God was and is faithful.
Had a district magic and disco event in the evening. I was shattered - but M.B. was there and constantly kept reminding me that i was doing this for the children of Uganda and should be proud of that fact. I agree but I do think that I have been getting myself stressed over this recently too!!

However God used me last night to bring hope to these children in Uganda. It was only £426.28 later that I realised this.
Then today I get an email to say £125 is on its way to me regarding a letter I sent out to a Division Commisioner.
Then following a phonecall, looks as if a disco is lined up for 200 girls as part of the badge on Thinking Day - another £250 badges that can be sold on top of this!!

God is Good and ever Faithful. Sometimes we just have to see through the tiredness and stress to be able to recognise it. Praise his name!!

Thank you God for all that you are doing through and in me for your glorification with this challenge badge. It is my aim to glorify you, and be a support to your people. I know that you will provide this £6,000 because you provide for your children and these Children are as much your children as I am, and you love them with all your heart and desire for them to have an education. I pray that I can be instrumental in bringing that small glimse of your character and hope to thier lives Lord God.
Guide me on my path Father, lead me to you as much as to the children of uganda. Show me your ways and your heart. Soften and expand my heart Lord so that i feel the pain that you feel for these children of yours and am able to help them in practical ways. I pray Father that this is not a sole challenge but the start of many = a mission to bring the right of eduaction to your children on a global basis. You have blessed me father with so much education, that I wish to return that blessing to your children all over the world.
Thank you Lord God, you are ever faithful to us all.
Amen.

Why does somthing that doesnt even affect me, make me feel so bad? Just recieved some news that one of my Nan's closest friends sons has been found dead.

How can this be happening? Her husband only died the other month.
Where is the justice in this?
How must she be feeling?
How can something like this happen to one of the most caring people in the world?
Why are there no answers?
What needs to be done in the world to stop traggic accidents like this from happening?

Im not as much upset as I am shocked. I never met this man but I do know that he will leave a massive whole in this mothers heart. I know he wasnt a Christian - another one lost from the Kingdom.
This is a wake up call to save the lost souls of the world.

My plan of working on my dissertation all day has been shattered, I'm too shocked to concentrate fully.

24b But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what he already has? 25 But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently. Matthew 8: 24b-25

I was thinking about hope this morning, as i was sorting out the accounts for my £6,000 Ugandan fundraising to build half a school in Masaka. I was hoping for the fun of doing it all - but i can see that already. I can see it on my brownies faces and the faces of the kids in Uganda. The fact that it is now taking up a huge part of my life, and time (and proably after my 1 hour excursion of getting lost on the wqay home from a meeting last night) I am starting to see the lack of fun of it in my life. i love doing it and feel so passionate for it, but just need to be a little more enthused about it when Im planning the meetings or with the girls, but more importantly in prayer about it.

Prayer is something I struggle with....

26In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. 27And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God's will. Romans 8 26-27.
I serve an ever faithful God, and as long as I am in this mission for Uganda for his purposes and not my own glorification God will be with me, and the Holy Spirit is intercedding for me and with me. What a relief that I dont have to do all the praying by myself either!

Im starting to get top grips with the Trinitarian concept more and more now, after reading a chapter in Nicky Gumbels book about it over the past 2 days. Its an amazing concept, and I am so glad that we CAN'T understand it. I am so glad that I dont have to rely on book based knowledge to understand, i have experienced all three to some (even though small) degree in my life already, with lots more to come.
I do have a caring earthly father who loves me, just that I cant always see this, but I have one amazing heavenly father that I cant even begin to see a fault in. Why this difference? Well because one is God, but thats no excuse for me to keep seeing the bad in my earthly father - asking the Spirit of God to help me change this perspective. After all as Rick Warren says, I was put in my family for a purpose whether I can see it now or not. Reveal that purpose to me Father God I pray.