Trying to Understand

Ok, I have to face facts… very soon I need to get a career in the real world, and leave academia
However I am excited!!!

I sent off the first application form today… my dream job given the limitations (such as not being able to afford a Masters etc.)
I pray that I will be accepted onto this Graduate Training Scheme in the NHS. I want to help people, I have no skill in medicone at all, but my accounting skills can be used within this orgianisation! Although I have always wanted to do this job, it has to be the will of God; I know that if this does not work out then He will open doors and provide in another area - I have every faith.
(Note to self - remember this incase it doesnt happen and the devil tries to make me feel stupid for setting my sights too high in the first place.)!!

Its in the hands of my God now, and I trust it will all work for the best. I am excited. Also applying to lots of other places too that I would love to work in - I will end up in the one that God needs me in

Happy Happy Happy!! x x

I dont know what to say… but i need to say something!

My God is amazing… He is ever faithful to provide.
After having just payed more money into the fundraising account the balance is £600 ish!!

Lord, I just pray that your hand may continue over this. I desire to hand over another £1000 to Uganda before Christmas Lord. I will recieve so many christmas presents, this guft of money will be a present to these children of yours Lord. You have provided so much this week, I thank you immensly Lord. Words cannot describe how thankful I am. You are amazing Lord, and I shall live to serve you forever.

Oh my God is amazing, and Im standing in awe of the one who gave it all for me….
I love you Lord!

16-18So, my very dear friends, don’t get thrown off course. Every desirable and beneficial gift comes out of heaven. The gifts are rivers of light cascading down from the Father of Light. There is nothing deceitful in God, nothing two-faced, nothing fickle. He brought us to life using the true Word, showing us off as the crown of all his creatures. (TM)

Austin made me a magnet on Saturday with “Every good good and every perfect gift is from above - james 1: 17″ on it. I was looking at it this morning. And then the phone rang and someone said that they had a raffle prize for me for Burns Night. Thank you Lord!

Handed over £2000 to Susann yesterday to pay into Love In Actions account! I was so excited that all this has happened and come about. Some people had doubted the ability for this, but my God provided and as today illustrates continue to provide. I am so thankful, and can truly see the truth in James 1: 17 today…

I am trying to aim on getting another £1000 to Uganda by Christmas, just so that they have more money as a lea-way. I know that the money is out there as people have been telling me that they are working on the project etc and “will be sending me a cheque” so I have taken a conscious decision to try and pray this money through my letterbox. I need a supernatural miracle here, to get these very busy guiders to get thier money and order in the post to me so that can cash the cheques and get it off to Uganda! Imagine what a Christmas present this would be to Alan and Beryl, and the children over there….

Its a goal, but I will not beat myself up if it does not transpire, because overall we are on course for the target. However as I have said before God is my God but He’s also thier God and he is good, he is faithful, and he provides so I have every confidence and faith that this will transpire.

My God is unimaginable, and I LOVE Him!

Last nights sermon by Simon has made me think about so much. It hurt a lot, and confronted me again with the things I know God is only trying to heal in my life but I’m too scared off.

 

The barriers between me and God – I knew as soon as this was said, what they were / are in my life (fear, lack of trust, lack of emotion, separation from the world, closed personality…). I also know why their there and I am so conscious of them, yet I can’t get rid of them. There all intertwined and over the years I have pushed them so deep that they now hurt so much when I allow them to surface that I just steer well clear. 
These things haven’t just become a hurdle between me and God but in ordinary relationships and friendships too. So much of my life at the moment is being ‘mastered’ by them, and I know that’s a bad thing. I know somewhere in the bible it says “do not be mastered by anything” but at the moment the devil is winning a lot of ground here and I’m physically and spiritually not strong enough to stand in his path.

 

Simon mentioned that we can’t just see the cross as a tourist attraction. It has to be a place where we can come to and leave baggage not expecting to see it again. This is hard. To leave something somewhere deliberately you have acknowledge that you have it already and make a conscious decision to forget about it and abandon it. I guess a degree of trust would also be needed. It’s that word TRUST again….much more than just the 5 simple letters that make it up…
I’ve pushed things so deep inside that I cant acknowledge them, it’s too painful, years and years of suppressed feelings just resort in no emotion and a very hardened heart. Years of having no-one to trust because trust just comes back at you in a nasty way, makes words like trust, and love very hard to understand. But all the time there is a clear feeling inside that tells me I need to do these things, to try and leave them at the cross again, to learn to trust, and to learn and experience love. Its not like I haven’t tried leaving things at the cross before – the day I became a Christian, I turned to the cross and left it all there; life was great for about 6 months than the reality of life kicked in….things happened, I realised Jesus was trying to heal past pains, I couldn’t handle it, pushed it deeper, and it goes on. I WANT / NEED to be free of this suppression of emotion, lack of trust thing but I don’t know how. I’ve tried the ways I know…

 

Then the anointing of oil; Simon asks God to supernaturally help me to forget the past, the things that have happened, the things that have hurt. I’m praying that these few sentences will be the key to at least a month’s internal spiritual battle, please Lord Jesus. Take it all from my memory; restore in me Lord that first love, the love I saw when there was someone in my life I KNEW that I knew that I knew I could trust. Lord please stop the Devil bringing these barriers up between me and you again, but more importantly Lord give me the confidence, the courage and the strength to knock them down. I am a princess, I am a heir and I have much more awaiting me than just a life full of internal turmoil where I constantly beat myself up about not meeting standards. You are my God and I shall not be mastered by ANYTHING.

 

Blood, Guts, Gore and Love – the gospel of the cross. Simon mentioned Dora Maria’s prayer about seeing that blood as Jesus’ love for us. Then we watched a video, to see love like that just freely dripping to the ground seems sacrilege. I want to get a cup and position it underneath that dripping blood and drink it. That blood is the love of God for ME, just ME. I own it, it was shed for me, and all the time the devil is messing with my life I’m not experiencing it. I’m going to take hold of that cup, and own it. Take in the love of God shed for ME on the cross and live by it day by day.
I’m weak, but He makes me strong.
I’m fearful, but HE makes me fearless.
I’m nothing, but with JESUS I’m everything… I’m Jesus’ everything…. I’m His.

 

 

Went to a Kingsland Tiptree this morning and something Sarah said about this song hit me:

Draw me close to You
Never let me go
I lay it all down again
To hear You say that I’m Your friend

You are my desire
No one else will do
‘Cause nothing else could take Your place
To feel the warmth of Your embrace
Help me find the way
Bring me back to You

You’re all I want
You’re all I’ve ever needed
You’re all I want
Help me know You are near

I had always thought that I was singing this song to God. Asking him to draw me closer to Him because He was all Ive ever needed, (this could be) but imagine God is singing it to me / us. He’s saying that He would lay it all down again, just to here ME say that im hios friend, IM all He’s ever wanted, IM His desire….. This is a life changing song. Yes of course I can sing it to God in times when things are distant etc… but primarily God is singing it over my life. I need to grasp this more and more…. IM His desire, No one else will do…..

I said alot of stuff the other day that I deeply regret, but I know I am forgiven, if not by the people I hurt but Jesus. Everything that was said was said in the heat of the momment and has been burried inside for many many years. It needs dealing with properly and this was not the way but I was so angry i needed to let it out somehow.

I need to confront these issues face on, they are the reasoning behind evrything else, but thier too deep and painful to touch. I know God wants to go there and heal them because i continually end up watching tv programmes or hear people speak and it reminds me of my issues and how painful they are…. I just need to find the confidence to be freed from the bondage that they are putting over my life at the momment.

‘Do not be mastered by anything’ is somewhere in the bible, and at the momment I am allowing these things to master my emotions. I have allowed them to master my emotions for near on 13 years. I feel such a hard hearted cow at times, but I know it is because I delibrately turn off my emotions as it saves hurt on my part. God is breaking this but its painful. Very painful.

The pain I have today caused by a massive ulsar is minute

I believe God is teaching me so much more about what it is to love people for who they are at the momment. This has happened on several occasions, but I still feel like I dont know “what love is”…..

I have been in several situations recently where God has broken my preconceptions or sterotypes of people. As I have allowed this to happen, he has revealed something of that person to me, and a relationship / friendship has begun to grow. Its amazing….. but also makes me think of the years that I have spent confined to my close friendships because of not understanding the concept of Love and genuine concern for people, and also for fear of being hurt as has happened so many times before!

As I am learning what it is to care for people in a much deeper way I believe that I am seeing more of how God cares for me. I find the word “Love” a hard one to understand. I dont think Ive ever felt what it is to be loved, and kept bringing this to God the other week when I felt so far away from Him. I think He’s showing me Love in ways I can understand.

Loved Lesley Lee’s sermon at church last night, was worth going even if I was shattered after a weekend of Guiding Training! She spoke on being the bride of Christ…i understood this Love of Christ in another fresh way!

I went to church last night knowing full well that Kish was going to be there, doing personal prophesy and prayer for everyone. I really enjoyed the worship, and the sermon but as soon as that finished i felt violently sick.. but not a physical sickness feeling. Guilt, shame, embarresment and fear rose within me. I kep telling God that I was scared and didnt want to be embarrased. I felt he said that he would leave me to last so that this was not the case. So Im sitting there for 2 hours waiting, waiting, waiting…… all the time all these feeling beiung pushed to the surface - me arguing with God, and pushing them down again, some tears, then some joy….i didnt understand, all i knew was God was going places i didnt want to. I said to myself that I would just have to see it through, maybe God would deal with it and I would walk out without the heavy heart I walked in with… I couldnt do it - we left before we got prayed and prophesied over.
Im annoyed - I admitted defeat - I didnt allow God to deal with the stuff that I cant face myself…… Im scared, I know where He wants to go.

But now I cant stop thinking about whether I missed this ‘great divine momment’? Did I, Didn’t I?? God is faithful and loves me despite all the failings I see in myself. He only wants to make me think about these areas to heal them, not cause pain, but because they have caused pain in the past Im scared for that reason. If He needs to speak to me, He’ll get my attention somehow - He’ll try again.

Im sorry Lord God for not trusting in your ability to help me through these areas, I know what they are and that causes me the pain in itself. I desire for them to be healed, but guess that Im not prepared to revisit the times that hurt; theres too many of them.