Trying to Understand

The barriers between me and God – I knew as soon as this was said, what they were / are in my life (fear, lack of trust, lack of emotion, separation from the world, closed personality…). I also know why their there and I am so conscious of them, yet I can’t get rid of them. There all intertwined and over the years I have pushed them so deep that they now hurt so much when I allow them to surface that I just steer well clear. 
These things haven’t just become a hurdle between me and God but in ordinary relationships and friendships too. So much of my life at the moment is being ‘mastered’ by them, and I know that’s a bad thing. I know somewhere in the bible it says “do not be mastered by anything” but at the moment the devil is winning a lot of ground here and I’m physically and spiritually not strong enough to stand in his path.

Simon mentioned that we can’t just see the cross as a tourist attraction. It has to be a place where we can come to and leave baggage not expecting to see it again. This is hard. To leave something somewhere deliberately you have acknowledge that you have it already and make a conscious decision to forget about it and abandon it. I guess a degree of trust would also be needed. It’s that word TRUST again….much more than just the 5 simple letters that make it up…
I’ve pushed things so deep inside that I cant acknowledge them, it’s too painful, years and years of suppressed feelings just resort in no emotion and a very hardened heart. Years of having no-one to trust because trust just comes back at you in a nasty way, makes words like trust, and love very hard to understand. But all the time there is a clear feeling inside that tells me I need to do these things, to try and leave them at the cross again, to learn to trust, and to learn and experience love. Its not like I haven’t tried leaving things at the cross before – the day I became a Christian, I turned to the cross and left it all there; life was great for about 6 months than the reality of life kicked in….things happened, I realised Jesus was trying to heal past pains, I couldn’t handle it, pushed it deeper, and it goes on. I WANT / NEED to be free of this suppression of emotion, lack of trust thing but I don’t know how. I’ve tried the ways I know…

Then the anointing of oil; Simon asks God to supernaturally help me to forget the past, the things that have happened, the things that have hurt. I’m praying that these few sentences will be the key to at least a month’s internal spiritual battle, please Lord Jesus. Take it all from my memory; restore in me Lord that first love, the love I saw when there was someone in my life I KNEW that I knew that I knew I could trust. Lord please stop the Devil bringing these barriers up between me and you again, but more importantly Lord give me the confidence, the courage and the strength to knock them down. I am a princess, I am a heir and I have much more awaiting me than just a life full of internal turmoil where I constantly beat myself up about not meeting standards. You are my God and I shall not be mastered by ANYTHING.

Blood, Guts, Gore and Love – the gospel of the cross. Simon mentioned Dora Maria’s prayer about seeing that blood as Jesus’ love for us. Then we watched a video, to see love like that just freely dripping to the ground seems sacrilege. I want to get a cup and position it underneath that dripping blood and drink it. That blood is the love of God for ME, just ME. I own it, it was shed for me, and all the time the devil is messing with my life I’m not experiencing it. I’m going to take hold of that cup, and own it. Take in the love of God shed for ME on the cross and live by it day by day.
I’m weak, but He makes me strong.
I’m fearful, but HE makes me fearless.
I’m nothing, but with JESUS I’m everything… I’m Jesus’ everything…. I’m His.