Trying to Understand

Burns Night on Saturday evening was amazing. Not only was it a laugh, a great evening but it also added over £1200 to the bank balance. Who says that God is not able to provide?!

My God certainly did provide!
Just a few memories from the evening….. (suicide square dance and auld lang syne!)

This week has been a rollercoaster of emotions, situations and events (more to follow later) but the one that started it off was my 21st! I had a great day with loads of family and friends at a party, lots of presents and special people.

Nothing much seems different from the age perspective, although I am determined to make the 21 years enjoyable fun and Christ led. Im excited that Jesus is such a large part of my life and this was reflected in the amount of Church family that were there at my party….

What do I have to show for the past 21 years if my life?? not alot that came before me knowing Christ, and loads after. My life is changed, My hope is restored and my best friend is my Saviour. Thank You Lord.

God of miracles, come and be with us
We will trust in You
Do Your work in us
Kind and noble King, kneeling in the dust
So predictable, so mysterious
God of miracles

Your voice is powerful
Nothing is difficult
You can do what we cannot
Your grace is beautiful
Stronger when we are small
You are God
You are God

God of miracles, come and be with us
We will trust in You to deliver us
Kind and noble King, kneeling in the dust
So magnificent, so mysterious
Kind and noble King, kneeling in the dust
So magnificent, so mysterious
God of miracles

This song by Twila Paris has so much meaning to me at the momment… I so badly need to see my God of miracles at work in 3 major circumstances in my life and family life at the momment, but at the same time I know in my heart that He is there and He is working, its as if my eyes just need some form of physical proof. I had proof the other day that God was working in Austins life when he gave his life to Christ, but proof for this miracles would be mainly to see my grandmother return to the mental state she was in 6 months ago. Its wrong to ask God for proof I know but I just feel like I need some reassurance; the circle analogy doesnt seem a strong enough phrase for how I feel at the momment!
So my prayer at the momment is “God of miracles, come and be with us. We will trust in You to deliver us.”

There was several more parties in heaven last night when loads of people at the Saturday Night Project at church gave thier lives to Christ after heraing Tony Anthony speak, however one of these meant an awful lot to me…. my brother!! It was amazing to see,  was so happy and so thankful that he had chosen to do this himself. Tony’s talk must have really impacted him. He has been coming to church for about 6 months now and loves it but I was really worried that he was seemed to be under the ‘I go to church so must be a Christian’ gospel, that Tony mentioned as I knew for a fact that I had never shared the whole gospel message with him.

He cried all evening, but Im not too sure why, he didnt say (other than the fact he thinks he’s lost my library card!), but I am making it my burden to keep praying for him. He’s my responsibility spirituallity and I want to do everything possible to help him on his own personal journey with God. He hasnt told me he made this choice but I saw his hand raised, and again this morning at church Neil prayed a prayer of salvation which he seemed to participate in. I just really pray that Jesus protects him from the devils work and continual unassurance of his salvation like I went through. I know now im forgiven, but it took a year of doubt for it to be realised, a year of praying the prayer of salvation at every given opportunity!

I pray that he feels he can trust me to come and talk to about anything which hinders or confuses him. Although he’s 8 years younger we can disciple each other and I want to be there for him in so many ways. I find it hard to understand my thoughts about this because for years we have hardly got on, but here he is not only my physical and biological brother but now my Brother In Christ too. I am excited for me, and for the opportunities and prosperous plans that the wonderful Lord Jesus has in store for him!!

Last night at Tuesday group we discussed the concept of discipleship. Beryl gave the illustration that there should be three levels. We should take our influence from some people above us(being discipled), the majority from people on the same level as us (discipling each other) and discipling one or two from below (disciplying others).

Becca commented that she felt this cycle had worked through in me over the past year. Yes I was rather embarrased but it meant alot to hear what was said. As she quite rightly said she was disciplying me for several months, and now I am on a level where I am still being discipled by others and herself, but my life and actions are now being shown in the life of my brother. This meant alot because so often although he comes to church I can feel that I am a bad influence on him, swaring around him or saying negative to things to him in the heat of the momment. I know i need to woirk on these and stop them, but its good to hear that despite these faults he is being discipled by me.

I pray that one day just as I was a rescued ‘lame duck’ he will show clearly that his lame duck status is clear out of the water and he doesnt hang round that pond anymore!! Beryl has such a way with words - I can see this concept (and the imagery) staying with me for years to come!

There are 4 main people that I see myself being discipled by: Bec, Maggie, Beryl and Soph. I aspire to be like these people in so many ways and they have all taught me so much in just a short amount of time, the future holds an enormous amount of knowledge that they can teach me!

Warrior is a Child

Lately I’ve been winning battles left and right
But even winners can get wounded in the fight
People say that I’m amazing
Strong beyond my years
But they don’t see inside of me
I’m hiding all the tears

(Chorus)

They don’t know that I go running home when I fall down
They don’t know who picks me up when no one is around
I drop my sword and cry for just a while
‘Cause deep inside this armour
The warrior is a child

Unafraid because his armour is the best
But even soldiers need a quiet place to rest
People say that I’m amazing
Never face retreat
But they don’t see the enemies
That lay me at His feet

Chorus x2

I drop my sword and look up for His smile
Because deep inside this armour
Deep inside this armour
Deep inside this armour
The Warrior is a Child

This song is amazing, it reminds me just how much we rely (rightly) on God. It shows me that people think we are strong,. but deep down there is always that need to go running back to our Father for comfort, despite how strong we ourselves or others think that we are. It shows me of that child like heart that the Father commands….

I drop my sword and look up for His smile - - - His smile falls on us all. This line really made me smile today!

It has been a real blessing to be invited to another housegroup on Wednesday evenings as I am not always able to attent my original on Tuesdays due to Uganda and guiding commitments. Throughout attending Wednesday group my eyes have been opened to the smallest things in creation being God’s glory in visible form to us… I feel ashamed that it took this expereience just before Christmas for me to realise this, but Im glad that I was shown this.
Steve said how he prefers to take medicine from nature, and even in eating a stinging nettle the glory of God is displayed for all to see, Gods provision lays in a field for us but our earthly nature treats this ‘weed’ as danger as opposed to the provision from above. Its a concept that I want to get hold of this year, being more aware of the world around me, and thanking God for it all.

The other evening we reflected on 2007 and looked forward to 2008, and made comments on each other. This was a hard task since I dont really know everyone all that much yet, but was very encouraging to hear all of the things that people felt about me in the short time that i have got to know them. They are all true blessings in my life, and I can see that they have been placed there for a purpose; I can learn so much from them all.

2007 has been such an amazing year full of so many blessings from God above. Its not until I stand still and actually think about it that I realise the true amount of blessings that I have recieved. In all of the dark times and valley’s my God has been there, in the triumphs He’s there to rehoice with me, in the challenges His guiding hand has been ever present. Without my Jesus I do not know what mess I would be in today! However today I have a family so vast in size its impossible to put them all on my Christmas card list (!), a joy and a hope that is everlasting and the freedom and confidence to talk about issues with so many people that I have complete trust in. My life is transformed.

Lord God, I thank you for everything regardless of size and stature that you have blessed me with this year, even the breath I breathe on a daily basis is a blessing from you. Teach me this year Lord how to be more grateful for these small things and to echo my gratitde to the people that I meet. Thank you Lord for the challenge you have set before me and the desire for education that you have placed in my heart. I will acomplish the task with you by my side, I have every faith. Thank you for friendships and family Lord that are always willing to be a listening ear in the way that Maggie was this evening.
“The universe declares your majesty, you are Holy” Show me a new revelation of that this year Lord; your majesty in my everyday life 24/7. I pray your blessing over all in my life for the year ahead Lord, may your hand guide them in all that they do, and those that have not met you yet, may you use me as an instrument to show them your love. Teach, guide and show me the qualities I need to learn for this Lord. I trust in you, my Saviour, my Lord and my Best Friend.

Lord you know the trouble / situation that I face at the momment, and words cannot put it coherently but I pray that your hand will guide me through this time in the valley into the perfect light. I know your comforting presence, and I know that you are able to do this for so many others. Let my testimony shine that light Lord. Amen.

I know that 2008 is going to hold so many good things. I hope to be in Uganda, get a degree and be an instruement in making a positive difference in society. All possiable with the help and love of my Jesus.

My relationship with God has grown this year so much this past year with my Baptism in September etc… and a general awareness of His goodness in my life constantly. I know that this year will be no exception. I shall strive to spend more and more time in His presnce, both on a daily and weekly basis, seeking His heart for Colchester, Tiptree and my life. Its my aim only to please Christ, and this will only come from spending time with Him.

I look forward to the new year with a sence of adventure, hope and a passion for my Jesus to be known by so many more.