Trying to Understand

Ive just writtern the following for the Love In Action website, and then I turn onto GodTV to hear Todd Bently talking about the price were prepaid to give to God….

“In March 2006 I started my Queens Guide Award with GirlGuiding UK, an organisation that has been a large part of my life for the past 17 years. The Queens Guide Award is the highest award you can complete in a voluntary organisation and compromises of 5 challenges must be completed in 3 years; one of these to take course over a 12 month period is Community Action. Ideas were suggested for this element of my award, and recycling seemed the common theme, but deep inside I knew that I had to help the children of Uganda. After some discussion with my mentor and friends at Church I had a meeting with Alan and Beryl while they were over in the UK. I knew that any help would be appreciated, and realistically I thought that raising £1,000 in a year would be hard, but beneficial to the organisation. I walked out of the meeting haven fallen in love with the country, the children, and a desire to see all children receive the education that they deserve. I had agreed to raise £6,000 in a year; I thought it impossible, but knew this was the challenge that I had been asking God for, for so long. There was no way I was going to let these children down.

Conversations followed with fellow Guiding members, friends and family most of whom thought that this was a large challenge, and several who suggested it impossible. I felt the same, I had no idea how it would work but that desire what had been inborn in be to help, kept telling me go along with it! With no experience of fundraising, charity work, and little understanding of the education system or cultural issues I officially launched myself into the challenge with faith on June 4^th 2007.

I created and launched a badge for GirlGuiding units to complete, and ordered 1,000 badges with the expectation that this would not take off and I would have wasted time and valuable fundraised money. What actually happened was the complete opposite, the badge spread to units nationwide, and another 1,000 badges had to be ordered. Interest came from my Regional headquarters and now the badge has been launched to 7,500 units across Anglia, with an expected 10-15,000 badges being sold in the coming year. It has amazed me how God takes one seed of desire, and transforms it into reality, and tangible results. I’ve learnt dreams don’t have to be confined to paper, with a small amount of desire they can be transformed into reality.

In addition to the Love In Action Sharing Education badge, other fundraising events that I have done include holding a Burns Night, activities at Colchester Zoo for 12 days, teaching discovery afternoons at local schools, Rainbow Magic Shows, and Brownie Discos etc…

The last instalment of the £6,000 was sent to Uganda literally days before the building was opened. The project has become an integral part of my life, and changed my whole outlook on who I am, and the world around me. To date £7,500 has been raised, and not only has this defied the belief that many had at the start of the project including myself, it has instilled in me this passion and desire to see an education brought to all children. My plans of qualifying as an accountant, and my Business Management degree which I shall in gain in June 2008 seem irrelevant to me in the large scheme of things. I believe that I have been blessed in the area of education to become a blessing to others, and this project is the start of that. 

I have many to thank for the help that they have given me over the past year with this project, most importantly my mentor Caroline who has been an amazing support and encouragement. The project does not end here, its only just beginning; I’ve learnt that this is a real passion of mine, and I dream to see all children receive the education they deserve. I appreciate I will never accomplish this single handily, but I seek to make a positive impression. If you would like to get more involved with my dream, and fundraising then please feel free to contact me on rachel@butterfields.fsnet.co.uk

With every blessing,
Rachel.”

The price Im willing to pay to see this dream come true? MY EVERYTHING. There is nothing more than I want to see happen, I would die if it meant another child could have an education. Ive experienced being tired, being angry, etc in seeing this happen, but Im prepared for it to get harder.

ALL Children to have an education = £1 Life
The price paid = 1 Life in ALL ITS FULLNESS.
Added extra = the power of the Holy Spirit, and faith in the one who is ever faithful

i dont really know what to say - Ive hardened my heart to the fact that it even happened to avoid the pain in normal Rachel fashion. When will I learn? I know full well that it will all re-appear in 2 years time, and then it will effect who i am, but I still hardenen my heart to it because I hate feeling pain.
I miss her dearly, but Im not thinking about it. I cant do emotions. I cant do greving, and I cant do tears.

When I can put it into words, Ill write something.

Its one of those yuck days. I dont know how I feel…. Im sat here listening to chilled out worship music falling more and more in love with Jesus, but Im sad. I know the UK is not the place for me, I know I have work to do for Christ and for the time being that is away from here. Im excited very excited, but Im also getting sadder as the days go by, knowing full well that the love of my Saviour will keep me away from the people and things I love in this country.
 
I have the passion for Uganda enough to not get on that plane home on July 11th, but then in the back of my mind is the fact that this may be the last summer I will have to spend with my friends and family before I give 100% of my time to God. I just feel like I need a little more clarity.

Its too much of a transitional period…. even uni is seeming strange. Ive mentally distanced myself from it knwoing that its time to move on, and consequently am counting down the days till I can leave it but I know deep deep down that Im going to miss it so much. Small things keep coming to me (yesterday I was crying about the fact I would have no assignments to do). I dont know whats happening, I seem so emotional about everything.

I not at all sure how I feel…

UPDATE!
Just sitting here, rather sad about something else, and listening to Delta Goodrem and my all time favourite song Born to Try. “Sometimes you got to sacrifice the things you love. I was born to try” is so right.
I love the way that God speaks to me, and spurs me on even through the sad times.
The death of Nan yesterday was not only a sad occasion, and she will be missed, but a kick in the right to direction to relaise that I cant sit still anymore. I need to act, and try - not in a months time when Im in Uganda, but today… starting right now. If all my time is not used to the glory of God what good is a small offering of half an hour here an there. He is worthy of 24 hours a day of my time.

At 9.30 last night I experienced first hand the protection of a saviour who cares so much for me, when a motorbike that should have killed me stopped 5cm away from my drivers window in what should have been an event 2 weeks before my funeral; no Im not exagerating, it was potentially that serious.
This motorbike came at me on a roundabout doing 70mph in a 30. Once I hooted and he saw me he skidded because of the pressure he had to put on his brakes. He stopped 5 cm from my window. He was immensly shaken, and very apologetic admitting it was all his fault; I was suprisingly calm (and polite!) until I drove off and it dawned on me how this should have been a major accident, and it was evident the protection of God was what had kept me alive.

As I drove into my drive I felt God say that were never far from danger, but His protection shall follow us wherever we go…. wow amazing!
As I spent the next few hours thinking about this it came to me that I had sheilds around me. Not the shields that I had so often put up to protect my inner being, but God sheilds protecting both my phsical, emotional, and spiritual being. Its just awesome to see first hand how great a passion Jesus has for us, even if it did make me think that I would die. Im reminded of a similar event of this nature, the robbery… the event which led me back to my beautiful saviour and into a live of love and compassion. Theres literally no words to describe his faithfulness, compassion and desire.

Things have been rather busy this week, as I made it my mission to complete my dissertation by Friday afternoon. That way I knew that I would have a whole week to edit if if I wanted. Im happy with how it stands at the momment and hope to have it bound on Monday just so I can forget about it, complete other assignments and focus solely on North Africa!

The hour I finished it on Thursday was so strange…. it was if I was a different person. I felt free, completly free to submit myself to God and live in His commands without having the bondage of some word-document hanging around my neck. I had nothing to worry about, nothing to pre-occupy my mind but the love of my Saviour. I told myself that I was going to have a relaxing weekend, and not turn the laptop on or do anywork, and so far I’ve stuck to the work half of the bargain, but had to give into the laptop (all in the need of discovering how to help Tilly give birth to her kittens at 11pm last night!).

I just feel like a new person. A new person with no boundaries set by anything or anyone other than God; and thats a fantastic feeling. As Im sat here supervising Tilly’s labour, I just feel that God is saying something about how great new life is, but that it is a long, drawn out, and sometimes immensly painful process. I seem to be able to see in my head the christian journey as birth…. although not as what we would call Birth. Our salvation starts our journey, as does conception. With every minute we spend inside our fathers womb and the holly of hollies we are being developed, loved, nurtered, and desired. As we grow as a Christian, and the pregnancy develops were subject to contractions - the work of the holy spirit amove in us…. sometimes I feel its as if we are contracted by the Holy Spirit and our actions, words and thoughts mirror and ripple that. Then our birth comes as we are born into His presence, on the occasion as humans we call death; isnt this is slight irony. God just reminded me that I wrote somewhere about how I felt I had three births (physical, conversion (birth into the kingdom), and death) sometime ago… I must go and dig it out!

Unfortunately I couldnt go to church this morning because of watching Tilly, so I hope to go tonight. Several months ago I would have lost my connection with God through not going to church, but Today I can rejoice in the fact that He has taught me to see Him and relate to Him through situations and places other than a physical church building. Watching my cats labour is as much in His presence and full on worship at church! ha! Im not sure where this is going, but Im continually reminded that my religion is getting me nowhere, but my faith takes me miles…..

A verse lee mentioned at Alpha on Friday is stuck in my head….
I Corinthians 10: 23   “”Everything is permissible”—but not everything is beneficial. “Everything is permissible”—but not everything is constructive.”
I feel like some of my religious ways in the past have been permissible but thier benefit? The only beneficial thing to being a Christian is getting to know Jesus more intimately, and having a relationship with Him. The ringing of the bells at mass is permissiable, but its benefit to knowing Christ? Im not too sure…
This was not intended as a rant at denominations etc… but its something that has been on my heart for a while, and has also formed alot of the questions I currently bring to God.

But God is good all the time, and will reveal these answers to me. I believe this shows that He is. Hes the important one, not the ‘religious’ denomination we claim to believe in. Isnt it time we start to believe in the common denominator, rather than the areas of seperation??

I had a great weekend. The In4mer training was one of the most enjoyable events that I have been on in ages. Despite all the stress and confusion in the organising stages, we had exactly the right people to make the team work. I can only thank God for that because He ensured that the people came through etc as on several occasions it look as if we were going to have to cancel.
Everyone left really positive, and enthused about the training, and its my prayer that I can this up to a really big group all over the three counties, and we all do trainings on a fairly regular basis. Peer education is something I want to commit too on a bigger scale. Again theres the theme of education that the most faithful one has placed on my heart, and due to that I feel every bit confident that such a thing will transpire due to His will, and His will alone.

Church on Sunday evening was awesome. There was this glory opening up all over the building, so much of the light of heaven, it was immense! Then I came home to reality…. but Kish preached the best sermon I have heard in ages, and its only through the reality of my life that I can bring the reality of the Kingdom to others, in non-reality ways! ha! Im encouraged, if not a little challenged. Were need to bringboard into action. For us to forgive sins is understable, but to do miracles, ‘thats impossiable.’ The religious of Jesus’ time were the firm opposite, finding it incovieable to be able to have the power to forgive but healings and miracles, ‘well thats ok!’. Whats happened to our faith…. if we can understand and EXPECT forgiveness, why are we not trying to see the miracles that the Kingdom is full of!! When Jesus told the man to get up off his mat and walk, did He not demonstrate this principle to us?!

Springboarding into action, with a Faith in the one who never fails!

Ive sat here all day waiting to find out whether or not L will end up in the special anorexia unit all day. Then when I start to think about the In4mer training Im running this weekend starting tonight I relise just how far God has brought me these past few weeks.

I realised that 2 months I couldnt even say the a word. It hurt, I felt I had caused it to start. All I could see was L as a twig with the label A over her head, now I can talk about it openly and even run a course on eating disorders.

God uses our circumstances and situations, to shape who we are, what we believe and our impact on the world. Im not saying that this has happened just so that I can talk about it openly and confront the issue, but through it happening I have the confidence to be able to this. God is so faithful to bring us full circle, and see things through to completition, and will make every bad thing good for His purposes.

Dont you just love that part of His character! It astounds me how much of the Fathers Heart I can see when I look for it!

To worship you I live, To worship you I live, I live to worship you.

INDEED!

My Prayer follows the words of Jason Upton’s great song… No Sacrifice. For Jesus it is NO Sacrifice.

To you I give my life, not just the parts I want to

To you I sacrifice these dreams that I hold on to

Your thoughts are higher than mine

Your words are deeper than mine

Your love is stronger than mine

This is no sacrifice

Here’s my life

To you I give the gifts

Your love has given me

How can I hoard the treasures that you’ve designed for free?

Because

Your thoughts are higher than mine

Your words are deeper than mine

Your love is staronger than mine

This is no sacrifice

Here’s my life

To you I give my future

As long as it may last

To you I give my present

To you I give my past

Because

Your thoughts are higher than mine

Your words are deeper than mine

Your love is stronger than mine

Your thoughts are higher than mine

Your words are deeper than mine

Your love is stronger than mine

This is no sacrifice

Here’s my life

Amazing God things happened all day yesterday, It was awesome!!

+ After having really bad concerns that the In4mers training Im planning would be cancelled due to very low numbers, I had a serious chat to God about it in the shower this morning! Then I turned on my laptop and had an email from someone else wanting to come. This was an awesome start to the day, a real answer to prayer, but only a tater of what lie ahead for the following 23 hours….

+ Yet more doors were opened for the LIA badge through a great email in my Inbox this morning. An invite to the GirlGuiding Annual Event Marketplace in Birmingham. This is a brilliant opportunity for my badge to get promoted more, me to network with people, money to be raised and people to catch my vision. I shall go, but logic is trying to talkme out of it given the amount of work I have to do for uni, but God and my gut-instinct says go. Ive seen from God recently that defying His plan does lead to the blessings for these kids - who am I to hold that from them…?

+ Theres so much that I needed to talk through with Bec, and this evening she had an evening free. We went to the Prom for chips and a real good chat - I miss times like that that uni and the dissertation has robbed us off, but it makes them more worthwhile in the end. I told her about Uganda and she said that she felt the same, that she could see it within me that I wouldnt want to come back; God speaks through those around us…. and Im listening to Him all so very carefully - I know what a large step I could be taking and I dont want one footing of it to go wrong anywhere.

+ Mum mentioned something about staying in Uganda as a joke. The HS within me answered, “I wouldn’t joke about that”, and then I realised I was in tears and was explaining that I am planning on probably not coming home. Im so thankful that God intervened here because had it have been left to me it would have a phonecall from Uganda that told her that news. I know it may be hard for them to come to terms with, but nothing or no-body will talk me out of it. Everytime I start thinking about it I cry - not because of what Im leaving behind, but because of what I would be leaving behind if I came back home.
Once mum understood that I was serious and not messing about she said that she had thought that I would feel like this, and says that its a good idea. Whether her opinion will change I dont know, I know mine wont unless God changes His!

+ Paul Dad’s friend from Uganda also emailed this morning (my Inbox was a pool of joy all day!), to say that I am more than welcome to stay with him and his family for a few days and visit the orphanage etc… My spirit tells me this is the start of something much bigger - bring it on God!
A further email from Paul was about a charity called Mildway that I should contact and his church contacts in Chelmsford - again my spirit leaps….

+ Just as I was explaining to Becca about the contact from MAD Promotions, I got an email with her email address in it. Doesnt God just have the most amazing sence of humour! It also reconfirms to me that these small things where I feel His spirit really is His spirit at work in me, and through me, and not me having all these little daydreams randomly througjout the day!

As Becca said it seems clear the doors that have been opening and closing around me these past 3 months or so. As I look back on every event, every prayer, every comment that I can remember over all of this time it all points to my dream. It all points to kids having a hope and a future. It all points to thier education and not mine. Its upsetting from so many perspectives and so often Im finding myself in floods of tears. These are my tears for these kids, I cant even begin to imagine the heavenly ones for these amazing people of tomorrow.

My heart for these kids is just not big enough. - expand it Lord.