Trying to Understand

I cant actually put into words the past week at all, my mind is completly blown away. God just doesnt fit into my human sized box which I so often put around Him.
I thought I had got it sorted in my head, until I spent the afternoon with a friend explaining it and was so consious that I was not doing it justice one bit. Part of me just longed for her to expereince it too, so that it was easier for her to understand….

I havent enough time to write about it now (just off to a Brownie camp) but will write it up on my return. Im going to miss church this week, and I feel really sad about it….
….I just want to be in His presence all the time,

The constant nudges I get are reminders of His presence, and I know Ill always be in but I LOVE THE CHURCH…. I LOVE MY CHURCH….

God is awesome, and thats not the right word.
I saw healings (2 new lungs, healing restored, sight fixed etc…)
I expereineced his power.
I left my box
I left God take complete control of my body.

I WAS CHANGED.
I have this fire in my stomach, and I plan on fueling it not dousing it in water… I just need more spiritual coal so that I burn up completly!! haha.

I LOVE JESUS AND I CANT HIDE IT ANYMORE!!!

This was writtern on 7th May, the day after I got home, but only just found it…

Finding it very hard to fit back into normal life, and even just what ‘normal’ is… What is normal?
I take so much for granted in this country and have my own little safety barriers that just being in Morocco they disappeared and were instantly destroyed, and I had to stand on my Gods support and not my own. His support, security and protection are far better than mine.
Over the week I certainly felt God speak to me about these barriers and ’shields’ again and how they should only be found in and through Him. I also have a heart for these people who are so poor that they cant survive, but I dont know what I am suppost to do about this just yet…

Very glad I went and feel that this is in someway an introduction and preperation to Uganda, but on the longer scale preperation for Africa as a whole. Its where my heart longs to be I think … This is not just a fad like Canada was this is Gods heart yearning in tune with mine.

Helped at Alpha this evening and it was a real blessing to see how Non-Christians on the course come up with words that it is, “Jesus’ Character” that draw people to Him. His character is so strong and fragrent people just cant help but keep away when they come into contact with Him. Its that sweetness and understanding of His character that people need to see in places like North Africa. They have so much sweetness in thier food Im sure they would smell Jesus’ sweetness and fragrent character a mile off just given the chance!

More of your spirit Lord for all of your people I pray. Work mightly in the lives of these on this evenings Alpha, and the lives of my 2 friends in NA, who I had the opportunity to meet. Your spirit is the sweetest thing around Jesus; just prepare thier hearts to feed on you love and your life Lord.

Waking up this morning, I had a major revelation.

Not the sort of revelation that we normally talk of, but a revelation in the sence that I had underestimated something.

The school building I have built gives hope and education DAILY! wow…. its almost as if Id forgotten this.
My heart cries for this country daily, and I thank God for the school building and the money that was faithfully provided, but I forgot the difference it makes daily. Its almost as if God is saying that even without being there I am being used to make a difference, what more of a difference can I make when I give it my whole attention?! I dont say this to sound big headed or gain recognition, but at a time where I feel pretty used by a particular person around me who I gave my everything too over the past 3 years, it just instils some hope in me.

The reason she has turned against me, and is being spiteful and rude is because of my decision to go to Uganda and live for the people out there. Apparently I shouldnt be self-righteous. I hope Im not being self-righteous, Im just trying to make a stand for these people. Neil mentioned the other week that when we move for God we will face opposition. Its true.
Ive seen it happen - and mainly with the Uganda project.
Ive expereineced if from my own family….
But Jesus even though theres this opposition you are still my primary focus, and its you I seek, not self-righteousness. Its you I want to live for and if thats in this country, or in a slum in Africa I WILL DO IT.

I will do whatever you ask of me.
Love,
Your Daughter. xx

Im glad I went. Loads that I needed to hear tonight, and after missing church on sunday I really wanted to hear the small DVD clip.

Heaven and Hell Ticket:
This is an amzing story, and really impacted me. I hope that I have the whole version of the ticket, the cross part, and not the words Hell. I love Jesus, but can we ever make sure we know and love Him enough? How can we ever love Him to the same degree He loves us?

Lifeboats:
True, but a frightening reality. Were safe in the lifeboats, but all non-christians are drowning. How can I explain to God the day I get to heaven that I didnt reach out a hand to them…..?
As Beth said, would we only lead someone to Jesus because of the situation they are in, not necessarily because of the fact that they dont know Him? I just want to get out there and move and act more and more, but there always seems to be stuff holding back.
I resonate with what Becs said about when you feel something from God, and then almost immediatly you doubt it, thats the devil. And although it makes it harder to say it, do something etc you just HAVE to. I needed to hear that cos that happens to be alot - sunday with the prayer for healing legs infact. I often put it down to shyness, but now I feel a sence of confirmation that its the devil and will stand in opposition to that fact in faith.

Public Christian:
I try to be a public christian…. but do I succeed?
Agree with the general consenus that the longer you know someone the harder it is to tell them your a Christian; I know deep down that theres still a handful of people that I need to tell about my decision to follow Christ, and apologise for things in the past and ask for forgiveness, Mary is one, but its hard. Ive tried, but Ill try again…

Holy Spirit:
I want more of the Holy Spirit in my bones, my flesh, my breath, my blood, my thinking… just in me generally. I know when things are Spirit led, Ive experienced it. I know when God speaks through me, Ive expereinced it. I just desire more and more and more, but at the same time I need to grow in confidence and boldness to stand up and reveal what I am feeling from the Lord.

Tounges:
Ive asked God several times for tounges before, and I have felt like Ive said a few words…but cant say I understand the principle. I find it hard to be able to open my mouth and utter a scentence in a language Ive never learnt. I find it difficult not being able to understand what Im saying…. I feel like im talking gibberish.
It was great to be prayed for by Neil and the guys tonight, and I felt the spirit move, and even on the way home I had a good cry, and whilst speaking with Jesus I started speaking in tounges.

But theres still this element of doubt as to whether it was jibberish or not? Ill ask for more wisdom.

Overall very glad I went, and a spirit encouraged trip too. Really looking forward to going to the Dudley church on Saturday evening after the Guiding Confrence. Ill be free, and open to worship, and try my speaking in tounges. Maybe its just self-consciousness that holds me back because I know that all my church friends would not judge me for asking about tounges, or mock me for messing it up whilst learning, but I still find it hard to be completly free. Freedom in worship comes more naturally now, even with Aust in the room which is good.

… asing God in the car home for this visual picture, and heart breaking understanding of the act of the cross…

University has unfortunatetly turned into a bain of my life. Its not what Im studying, who Im studying with, where Im studiying etc…. its just studying and sitting in a classroom or on a laptop that I have the problem with. I want to be out there making a difference and I fail to see how I can achieve that when sitting here writing a fictional business plan for a false company, or studying some businesses accounts.

Uni has blessed me in so many ways, and I have learnt so much that I will and do treasure, but God has been showing me that my time of being in the education system is up, its time to help the education system instead.
Without uni I would be without so many friendships, education, knowledge, skills, career prospects, and probably even my faith.

So I have an immense amount to thank it for, and I do believe that all things happen for a reason.
…
Infact I can see the reason - through my uin experience i can see and understand how blessed I am in my education, that I can use this to go out into the world and bless others through it and the knowledge and understanding that it has given me. Thank you Lord Jesus!

So I shall endure the remaining 24 days but then theres no stopping me. The world is my oyster and other people are my primary concern. God has mercifully turned around my selfish choices for going to uni for His glory, and to His glory it shall be.

My lecturer commented yesterday that I was counting my life away…. In some ways I agree, but actually Im counting until my life begins. Prehaps my education has been m,y security and the shields I feel, and God is challenging my reaction to this after the next 24 days are out of the way? I dont know, but He does, and thats reassuring.

Ive been home a week, and its gone all so quickly… I want to still be in the sun in Africa.
Loads has happened this week, and loads has not happened (mainly me attending university!)…

Its strange to be back in the UK, and the one main thing that I really felt God speaking to be about while I was away has returned on English soil. Im trying to shake it off. I hate the shields that I put up to protect me in this country… Im too comfortable in this country… I have too much to rely on - I want to be vulnerable for God. I want to be protected by his protectiveness and not my familarility with culture, language, people, and places.
This is the hardest thing Im finding with settling back into UK life, and would give anything to go and swop it for the poverty, and hunger of a small unknown of community.

My heart just screams Africa. No particular place in Africa, just Africa. Im litterally yearning for it. Ive never been as excited as this before, Ive never been as commited before, and then again Ive been as loved by my heavenly father before. I just want to serve Him in whatever way I can and I really feel that thats in Africa. He speaks His promises and keeps them - Hes given me personal promises (river flowing, Uganda school etc…) that I dont doubt they will happen, I just pray that theres a little more clarity there and soon. Ive taken a large step of faith and told several people about my heart and plans for Africa, as I felt that God said nothing happens in the secret, and that it is only fair that I prewarn the people I have responsibilities with and for that this is on my heart and could be transpiring. I will continue to trust in Him.

I will see what happens on my Ugandan ventures in only 28 days time!!