Trying to Understand

Reflection in academic terms is something that I have had to think about alot over the recent course that I have been on, and something that I will have to think about more and more as time goes on at Writtle….

But with the start of this GTA at Writtle, I drove home this afternoon thinking about reflection alot. I was reflectining on where I was this time 3 years ago - October 2005. I was scared, nervous, shy etc… and here I am about to stand in front of classes and ‘teach’ them. Wow, how on earth has that happened? Well one of the reasons is that I am more confident about who I am as a person now, and my identity, and that being found in Christ and not the world or my personality etc… alot of the other areas are due to people having faith and belief in me and helping me get there. The rest is due to my own commitment. Im not ashamed to say it or even think that its a ‘big headed’ comment because I know that I have had to work darn hard to get to where I am today and am actually going to have to work darn hard to get any further and get my masters etc… But its a combination of all of these that has made me who I am. Plus of course the amazing and pre-definied plan that Christ has for me!!

That makes me chuckle so much - all those times I hated sixth form college and nearly gave up… why didnt I? The lower grades that I got which meant I didnt go to a bigger university? The fact that I didnt quit uni? etc… the list really is endless because God is just so amazing.

I am really excited about looking back over the past three years and seeing the change in myself, and I might also ask others… but Im also really excited about the next years to come, and where that will take me in academia. I dont want to be one of these academics that live in a university bubble, but I do want to be infvluencial in the field…. if not only for the sakes of the Iman and Kagwas of Uganda; and more generally the Iman and Kagwas of the whole world - kids that people right off as ‘unable’ but when thier character shines through they are anything than that.

Through Christ all things are possible (Phillipians 2. vs 13) and I have already been promised that I will change kids lives - there was no meant of the way of that. Academia could be it.

So for the Imans and Kagwas of the world I will enbark on this challenge with the joy of the Lord as my daily strength (because I am sure, actually adament, that my own strength will not ne anywhere near sufficient…)

Iman Faith will be the name of my child when I have one….

I have been thinking about Iman the little girl in the pink dress from when I was in Uganda, today i found another photo of her and it says her name is Iran. I like Iman, I have come to know her as Iman.
I googled Iman - it means faith and belief. That settled it - the name of my daughter shall be Iman Faith.

I cant have that little girl, but I can have everything that she taught me in the name of my own child. I will give her a lasting memory because I have to be honest with myself, the real Iman may not be alive by the time I have my Iman.

Everyday I think of her.
Everyday I am reminded to be content with what I have.
Everyday I endure the UK I concentrate on being back in her country helping others like her.

Iman has played a very large part in shaping who I am, and how I see things, all from her simple head shake when I asked her if she wanted to get out of the water. How God uses small experiences to change us… I am so glad He has.

I have loads to say about the last few days and weeks, but for the time being I am completly stunned by the gratefulness of one very small family in Uganda.

I started my new job at uni yesterday, and was so excited…. knowing that this was God’s plan etc… and then came home and read my emails. One was from Noah, and he was so thankful for the clothes that I send Deborah it had me in tears. His thankfulness and the way that this had impacted his life were clear from the email, in relaitly they cost me £1.50 and thats all. I questionned whether this job is right, or whether the decision to wait for Uganda a year or two was right… Im still not 100% sure, but what I do know is that in a years time I can go back and make a better impact on the world of education in that country. Im not going to stretch as far as saying that I have made the ‘right’ decision, but I have embraced a copmpletly God given opportunity. The more I think about it the more I am amazed at the details and the timing that shout so earnestly of God in this situation…

As long as I remember the people and the need in this country and do not get comsummed by the career prospects or the stability that working life brings I think I am in the right position. Its key not to fall to consumerism etc… but to remember that everyday I ensure this education (be it to Masters or PhD level) its one more day of getting the experience that I can take to Uganda. I am not abandoning them, just getting the tools that I require to make my life effective when Im there.

What is 3 - 5 years in the grand scheme of things?
I hope not a lot, then again alot can happen in 3 years and I need to stay aware that such things could hinder the plan. Theres only one person that knows, and in His hands I shall leave it. Into your hands Father.

A few weeks ago when the words ‘yes’ came out of mouth uncontrolled I never expected that I would enjoy the expereinece so much.
I had agreed to go and help ‘watch over’ the children of Cre8, an initative started through my church. I had seen them dance before and loved it, but it was just dfance to songs.

Yesterday, after very little sleep the night before, and a hard weekend emotionally, it was so much more. The meaning of true worship really struck me. To see 8 young girls dancing and singing in worship to Jesus was fab… but the fact that they enjoyed it so much was brilliant… the fact that they were there out of choice and love for Jesus was worship. I was humbled. So often it is commented that people see worship as singing the latest song, but lately my views on that have been challenged (re, sweets for Zoo etc…). This hit it home even more. This was worship in one of its purest forms. Watching the rehersals I was very nearly in tears and my stomach was doing all the Holy Spirit antics, there was no denying this was strong stuff.
Very shortly my ‘wactching over’ the children got transformed into ‘taking part’! What?! I dont do traking part!! However it was great fun, I really enjoyed it. Flag waving must be my untouched talent that needs further exploration….! It was a pleasure to be able to accompany the girls in thier dance to colours of salavtion, and a joy to worship Jesus as part of a group and in a totally new context. Theres no limit to the ways that we can worship Him. He is so worthy to be praised.

What hit me so much was that the girls werent even intent on getting a round of appaulse, or a ‘thank you’ from the congregation. They gave all of it back to God, acknowleding that without Him they would not have these talents or the ability to do the performance.

These children are the generation of the future. I am so proud of them, and I only met them once. Needless to say that I have [very easily, and consciously] agreed to help at more events like this. My next goal for these people, to try and secure some funding for them… they need to get out there into the church community wider. So many Christians need to see what they do, and expereinece the true meaning of worship, and see Jesus in this new and exhilerating way.

So, maybe it is another few dates taken up in the diary, but its all for the Glory of God and thats something I want to do daily. Therefore it is no sacrifice.

My heart and my head hurt lots. So much so that I cant even voice it. So much so that I have to not think about it.
I dont do tears, I cant do tears and therefore I cant think about the things that hurt the most.

I loved Nan dearly but I am glad she is at peace now. She didnt have to suffer the pain of cancer, trauma and stress of chemo etc… and i am also grateful that we didnt, especially mum. To see her go through that would have been killing for us. I am glad that she did not die of the cancer, however I WILL NOT have this disease infect my family and steal people from me. I will stand against it in the name of Jesus, because I have authority and I will not be robbed by the devil. I have the authority and the right to command life, and not surrender to death.

Daily im realising more and more about how much Lydia’s illness has and is effecting me. Its tearing me apart inside but the way that I deal with it is to ignore it, and then (like last night with dad and mum) i have to confront an issue it stings inside and i cant take it. Theres no way that i can see the consultant at the hospital because it would wreck me inside… is that selfish? I want her to get better but in making me ill is it right? is it worth it? what do i do?
I will frounded upon majorially and hated from mum and dad and lydia etc… if i dont go, but i cant face being ill again and living in termoil. Ive done that, Ive made myself my sick in the head that ive felt ill. Mental illness will not have a hold over my life or the life of any member of family.
I am having to face feelings and events from my past that I wished i would never have to even remember let alone the way that they have effected me. Last night when i was talking with mum and dad i said all this stuff that i didnt even know i remmebered let alone really hurt me inside - obviously it dod because otherwise i wouldnt have remembered it. Maybe i do need to talk it through and recieve ministry for it, but then again do i have to? It hurts.
I dont know what to do for my best.
I dont know what to do for Lydia’s best (all i want is for her to get better).
I dont know what to do for mum and dads best.
I dont know what to do for Austins best.
I just need to please everybody - maybe i should forget my own feelings? If i end up in a nervous breakdown maybe it will be for the best because it will have resulted in 4 people in having the answers to what i have done to cause her illness. It has to be all my fault, everything is always my fault.

I love Jesus because He sees what is my fault, and what isnt. He doesn’t judge. He doesnt condem. Something that I have needed after being blamed for most things for the majority of my life. He is my one constant, and at the present time the only thing that I have remaining to trust in and stand upon.
Things in this world are so temporary - the past 6 months have shown me that. Therefore I shall stand and live from the eternal king who i can never be seperated from. I am in Him and He in me. He is eternal and I have eternal life through Him. We shall never be seperated.

Group the other tuesday evening was lovely. There was no scheduled plans, so we basically all just cahtted about our summers and our travels etc… and where God had taken us. Was lovely.
Sev and Jord had only just come back from Lakeland, Florida where the revival had hit several months ago and they prayed for us all. It was immense and Jordan had several words for me all touching, and extremly true.
It just blew me away how much these guys were carrying and the fact that they are ‘youth’ and my age…. so often i see religion as still being administered by the older generations of the church. There is a place for this, but actually it was great to see the youth in there too. Church is the people but actually its the subject, and the one thing that strikes me more about Jesus daily is that He is not exclusive, unlike some of the ‘religious systems’ i have expereineced in the past.

Went to the Impartation meeting at URC last night held by Roland Tann from Chelmsford - what was I thinking? I find that church hard enough to stand in, let alone worship, or be filled with the Holy Spirit. However I got over my fear and it was fine, actually it was amazing…

Roland spoke briefly about getting more blessing as you give it away and “step out of the boat in faith”. I juddered, I knew this applied to me. Ive had words about rivers, boats et… in the past but now its time to step out of the boat. I knew this in my “Noah” as Roland calls it in the morning when I text Jamie and said that I would be prepared to help him on his evangelistic team on Sunday… Im stepping and it feels great!

The prayer for impartation was awesome - this woman just kept telling me that there was a dam of living water and its breaking… living water just flows from me - awesome. Went to the kitchen to get a drink of water for my throat, and woooosh, the largest kick from the Holy Spirit ever! I was just laughing.

I love my God and I love His sence of humour. I am so thankful that I have found this now, after years of ‘religion’ at the URC, and even more grateful that I was free to worship in my way and see His joy even amongst this concept. Thank you God.

The past week has been mental and stressful to say the least - after returning from a brilliant weekend at RIVERcamp I got a cold and due to tiredness, stress and general exhaustion have not been able to shift it - praying it goes soon!
Things are ok with Lydia in hospital, she is gradually gaining weight - I just hope and sincerely pray that that continues when she starts to exercise again. Nan was sent to hospital with phenumonia which was brilliant timing, and the Kent family continue in rows.

I completly flipped my lid the other day when all the lying had got too much for me, and had a shouting match. I was so hurt and emotional inside that for the past few weeks i could feeling it bubbling inside and i think this was the release method that had to be adopted. The world really doesnt see how much all of this has and is hurting me and putting me through torment. I dont do emotion and it just boils inside until it explodes - i need to learn emotion, or more to the point not be afraid or scared of emotion.

This weekend i was up at Hautbois house running Minivate and it was brilliant - tiring but brilliant. It was truly amazing to see 24 young people caring about how they are going to change the world and make a positive difference in society. Young people do care, society just doesnt give them a chance to really have a say and make that difference.

Been praying and frerring manically for months about a job and how mum said that I had to have one by September 1st… I however had forgotten the date yesterday! Was sitting at lunch discussing plans for next year and hoping to do a fundraising job when I got offered one on a plate - for Guiding!! The company i am most passionate about and love with so much of my heart, mind and time. Money is needed for the completion of a building to house archives in Norfolk and needs to be opened by centenary - what timing! - firm plans could then be made for a return to Africa in 2010 or then abouts etc…. and I would know that this is preperation. This feels right - everything else has been turned down, i havent felt right about the other jobs etc… it fits with gap year, its within the time frame that mum set me, its with a charity i love so much. I think, actually I know, its all going to work out.

God has been preparing me for this for so long - He has been teaching me to trust in Him and stick to His plans etc… Only through faith and trust could i have held out to the last day when mum was insistant I got a job. Only through faith and trust could i have not applied for all the graduate jobs - God really did have the right job in store. Only through faith and trust could I have taken on the Uganda project and gained the skills and preperation needed for this. He really does know everything about me, and has my plan writtern in His book!! Its awesome.
As Chris Ling said last night people have heard about me and what I can do and thats all from God that its been possiable. How can I repay to Him what He has done for me, and is doing in me?? Only through my worship and relationship with Him.

Gap year looks so possiable now, Im excited. I havent official told Simon yes or no as I havent seen him, but I know that m and d wont appose it as much if i tell them the jobs definite before i tell them its only part time and im doing GY too! The grounding the next year could give me is awesome - contacts, expereince, Jesus knowledge - the list is endless and the oppertunities to serve Jesus in a charity for Him and kids in Africa are ever increasing.

He is my all in all.