Trying to Understand

Since starting work at uni again, alot of things have come to me that I have thought I should reflect on and write about, however time has not allowed…. So on this my first day off I am making time to think about them!!

Persoanlity should always be accompanied with purpose. Persoanlity theory and MBTI has formed a large part of Career Development over the last few weeks, and Im not complaining because I love understanding MBTI and learning new things about it. I could study it all day 0 it just reminds me of how unique father has made us all. Awesome! However how many of us have ever wondered what our purpose is? I met a girl the other day who clearly had no understanding of her identity or “who she was”, not only was this evident from her bright pink hair but also from her inability to decide where she sat with regard to Myers Briggs. She had no self-worth because no one had ever taken an interest in her. After 5 minutes of us being alone with her it was clear she was severly dyslexic hence her continually putting herself down as she was unable to keep up with other academic friends. A quick referal to Learmning Support did wonders.
All it took was 5 minutes…. why had no-one else ever taken those 5 minutes to talk to her. It wasnt as if this was her first week at uni, she was in her third year re-siting a 2nd year module. It makes me annoyed and sad, but also re-inforces the need for me to use this God given job to tell people that thier identity can be found and that they can have self-worth. They just need to look in the right places.

Every student is an individual - it took me two full weeks to realise and fully understand this. I guess I came from the perspective that students are at uni to learn, well I was wrong. In the case of several at my uni people are there because of family pressures. I want to find the time to give to each of them. I want to build a personal relationship with each of them. I want to give teaching a new lease of life and meaning. I want to be involved in thier lives and be there to help - just as certyain people were for me when I hated uni and found it the worse place to be. Help me achieve that Lord.
Help me see the value that you see in each of your children Father. For example the girl who hates horses but cant tell anyone because her family own the most prestigious stud in the UK and she is to inherit it. What do you say in such situations? Give me your words father.

There is totally a new side to education that I had overlooked, or more accuratelky never thought of before. The other I spent ages making handouts and even longer in reprographics getting them copied only to find them littering the lecture theatre after the lecture. The inital thought of hurt that brings is immense, its only when you realise they are students and getting to the bar is more important than the lectrure that the pain is slightly dilluted. I guess I was there once too…. its just hard to understand and accept.

There was so much more to this list that I had wanted to add but time keeps escaping me, so for the time being I shall leave this and put the thinking cap on… however next time I will endeavor to write it down asap.
One memory I cant forget is two guys on the MBA course having a discussion on how thier senior manager was quoting the five loaves and 2 fishes in an important strategic email! Made me chuckle - wish I had of had a quick comeback for that…. Its something Im working on!

I have a lot to write and think about but have had no time lately - part of the reason i am feeling flat and deflated and a little offtrack… all part of having none of the charging the batteries time that Myers and Briggs call “I”. I love people and I love the people I am working with and the job im doing but I have noticed that all this lecturing I am doing on the E and I dichotomy is having no reflection in my own life!!

This evening church was great, but there have been things Ive been battiling for a while and i had that feeling for a few weeks that it was coming to a head and the minute i walked through the door i knew it was tonight. I busied myself acting as postman and had the greatest sence of relief when asked to do PP. I thought i was safe - no. I was just finding a way to hide from the Holy Spirit. God knew that and He still came and got me - big style.

The guys spoke very little english, but I understood the heart felt message of thier french prayers. As Carl said listen not to him, he doesnt speak English… Listen to Jesus. If Im 100% honest I knew the first part of what was coming. so much so that i was shaking beforehand. I need to let go, but my knees just wont let go - why wont I fall on the floor? Why am I still so scared of falling? - is it really because of the roller scating incident?
No words were spoken about what I was expecting, but God spoke and thats all I needed to hear.

John kept saying, “Dare to believe”. The picture is bigger and the more I open my heart the more I will see. I can have the dreams… they are not just dreams, they are pictures of what is to come. The trouble is I want them to come tomorrow, but God has clearly shown me over this past month that it will be a while. I just want to cuddle her. I just want to see her smile and determination. I just want to be there.

I know that I have become too attached to her but I now see its what she represents…. faith and belief. I need faith and belief in myself to see her faith and belief again. I so earnestly pray I will see her again. Please dont let her die Lord before I give her that massive cuddle I ‘never got around to’, the massive cuddle my emotions wouldnt let me feel and fought. She has tought me emotion. I even cried when Johnwas speaking to me tonight - when he said i will see the dreams. I need to keep that awareness of the bigger picture but in amongst that I  do need to concentrate on the specifics because otherwise the pathway to the bigger picture will be broken.

I know I sound all idealistic when I say that me and my PhD and teaching certificate are getting on a plane on 1st October 2012 to Uganda, but I do believe it. I believe I will be a lecturer and I believe that I will help that nation (and the continent). I have every hope and faith that it will happen in that way. I also hope that the next 4 years are not clouded with that view too much, that I can still see the need to love and care for people in this country. Friday was a great example of when as lecturers 5 minutes of care and encouragement can change a students life. Make me that person Lord - a life changer.

I open my heart further to you Lord…. at least I try. I need your grace and mercy to succeed.
I earnestly adore you Lord (Ive decided the words ‘love’ are said with no meaning at the momment - how can I love you in the same way you Love me…. I cant).

As in Carl’s broken english, Rachel - adoptive daugher of God.