Trying to Understand

Whitney Houston’s song just came on my computer and whilst I dont really have to stop what Im writing and write this I feel I have to… it has so much relevance and just hit a very strong chord inside:

I decided long ago, never to walk in anyone’s shadows
If I fail, if I succeed
At least I’ll live as I believe

A while ago I lived in several peoples shadows. Now the only shadow I live in, in His and the only plans I have enable me to reach my one dream that He has created inside of me. Im listening to different albulms on my computer because I relised (after a statement I wish I could forget from yesterday) I have become ‘institutionised’ to the world of Christian music. I need to stop listening to it all the time, its loosing the deep and serious meaning it should have to me. So this came on my shuffle player in itunes and I googled the lyrics - its powerful and I love it, even although I diagree with a few of the lyrics. Just for my own memory and recollection heres a few things that are currently standing out to me…..

I believe that children ARE our future
Teach them well and let them lead the way
Show them all the beauty they possess inside
Give them a sense of pride to make it easier
Let the children’s laughter remind us how we used to be

Everybody’s searching for a hero
People need someone to look up to
I never found anyone who fulfilled my needs
A lonely place to be
And so I learned to depend on me       
[very true of my life up till 2006, then this would be changed to 'And so I learned to depend on YOU']

Because the greatest love of all
Is happening to me

I found the greatest love of all
Inside of me
The greatest love of all
Is easy to achieve
Learning to love yourself
It is the greatest love of all
[Im in two minds about this verse..... yes its true - Im currently writing about my increased self awareness and realising how much I have had to learn to love myself and get to know myself, but also the greatest love of all is the love of Christ that I cannot even begin to comprehend.]

I believe the children are our future, I also belive the greatest love of all is happening to me  
 ”I believe our children are the future” Lots more baby blessings to come - once not wanted and denyed, now loved and providing a sense to acceptance and love to both the wider family and mother.

I know I keep thinking about the MBTI alot lately and its impact on me is immense - I even felt that it was becoming too controlling so I took a large step and spoke to VW on Sunday about it. Her words “when something is bad its either too weak or too strong in your life” spoke volumes to me, and I see the need to address the amount of influence that I allow this test to have over me. Her advice to spend time reading Proverbs instead of analysing myself according to Myers, Briggs or Jung will be actioned!

However in the meantime driving home from Essex uni today I was thinking about what Jill said about stress and MBTI E and I preference. I can recal many incidents of stress in my life over the past few months (there have been enough of them, and my current lack of hair in my fridge is testament to it) and the fact that I do internalise things, and then snap - hence demonstrating the I preference. I am however wondering to what degree do I do this? Is me writing things out like this my stress level of I turning to E? I feel so much better after a small rant - maybe this is because I still find it hard to let all my internal I stress bubble over to an E outpouring?

I dont know the answers. but I am taking comfort in that God does. He allows me to understand to some degree through my MBTI understanding, but the ultimate knowledge must be left to Him. He is the only one who will ever know me inside out - however much I strive to know I will never find out. He is the creator, I am merely the creation.

Food for thought

This morning over breakfast me and Jill decided that we would write an article on LS and MBTI, a simple topic that can be plucked straight from my undergrad. How awesome would it be to have an article published. I can see it being referenced now, “Baldwin, J.  and Butterfield, R. (2009)” Awesome!

But in all of this I still had an element of me trying to prove something to someone in the back of my mind, its just a good feeling to know that you have far exceeded your goal and are achieving something, but I was reminded…. Jesus wouldn’t have done that. However as long as I take the right approach to this its fine - its an opportunity for me to develop professionally and academically and for me to use the God given talents, gifts and opportunities that have been provided for me.

I’ve just to work on making sure that bitterness and past hurt with a few individuals has been forgiven and forgot. Im not proving anything to anyone anymore, Gods proving to me how m ightly He can and is working in my life - I must say He also has a rather funny sense of humour around it all two!

Once again today has been immensly surreal - today is day one of our course on research Pedagogic Skills and its very good, but surreal all the least. I am seeing a completly new approach to education and continually learning on the job daily…. I often nod to say I understand something and havent a clue. I must howver be able to pull it off tho!

I need to reflect alot on my own learning experience - there have been so many things that I know I just need to stop and write about but I lack the time. I will make time to do this - I have to for my dissertation. I need to. My own learning experience is so great at the momment and I have alot to thank Father for for that that I am not going to let it rush me by.

My own learning experience is enormous so that I can make some Ugandan kids learning experience just a little bigger and better, all in Jesus’ name.

Church was formal and structured this evening, apart from Simon’s talk! I felt weird being there, and not being as free as normal but I kept reminding myself that its good to have a change. Simon spoke about being clothed in righteousness and not the rags of the world (that has a bearing on what I felt this morning) and that actually we as Christians can get to the point where we can wear rags because we know we are socially accepted by Christ and do not need to be judged by anyone else even for our appearance.
Simon then made me, John H and another man stand up and asked people to spot why… I was clueless! It was because the first guy was in blue (evangelistic), John was in Red (Priest) and I was in Purple (King). He then got people to pray for all of us. It was amazing…. I just felt that acceptance and comfort from father that I have needed for a while - I guess part of it even resonates with the parable of the parables and Mark Stibbe’s book on adoption and the prodigal son. (more on that later!)

Amanada:

• Beauty, power and Lover
• Name known for authority - internationally.
• Feet annointed and that wherever I go I go in Gods blessing and authority carrying his authority.
• That the work from this year will not stop that it will take hold and take shape for the future and bless many more people it its process..
• Bless acadmeic studies and fundraising - that people will come to me for advise and that they will see Christ’s light in me as a teacher and be drawn to that fact.
• God will direct my paths - he will lead me on my decisions. I will not have to make them because He will give me peace about them.

Simon -

• Perfect love drives out all fear.
• This year has been apostolistic and that that will continue.
• Keeps reffering to my ministry - starting to see that that might now be in Uganda and in the realms of fundraising.
• I am a King. A princess. A person wil royal authority.

Keith -

• Rule. Not in the wrong sense but that I will rule in the field and rule with Christ’s Kingly authority.
• Kingly blood running through my viens - as he put his hand on my back this heat just went all the way through me.

So, despite being churchy and structured and rather quiet, I had an amazing evening (I hope that I can get a copy of the tape from Rob). Not going to church this morning made me want to worship more. I dont feel that Ive worshipped enough yet tonight, I just want to go for it more and more untill I see His face this evening. I will never be satisfied with worshipping Him.

When the soup run people came and joined the service I saw a face that I knew I recognised but I couldnt place where…. after a discussion with the guy I found out it was Steve Pawlack from the Co-Op. Was good to see him and relise that he was a christian. I really felt that I should have gone over to him and explained that part of my testimony that meant that I was in this church worshipping this amazing King Jesus but I couldnt find the opportunity. He said he seen me at other events so hopefully if I see him again I can bring this up. I know what an encouragement it is for people to see the ways that Christ has been working in thier workplace and in this situation he will not see it until I tell him. It may even be that he has prayed for people in our store - He will know that his prayers were answered by the one who always hears.

Thank you King Jesus for making me a King in your country too. I need your help and guidance to live up to expectations but I live in the knowledge that there is no condemnation in your kingdom for those that are in you. Thank you Father God.

 

Randomly this morning i felt compelled to pull out the daily prayer book that mum got me for my baptism last year and read todays entry:

It is better to be patient in spirit than proud in spirit - Ecclesiastes 7:8
And the prayer:
“Sovereign God, when I start to fret over the loss of a single minute, remind me that your love will continue for all eternity, Amen.”

The whole reading was about having patience and relising that whatever happens every minute belongs to God, and not loosing your patience over small things, especially when your schedule is so crowded. I was reminded of the fact that my life is packed at the momment and my life is continually controlled by my diary. Then I go and take my car to the garage this morning expecting them to tell me it can be fixed monday relatively easy and he tells me that the head gasket has gone. A job that could take a few days, cant be done until the week after next and if I drive it I seriously risk messing the whole engine up and it being in-reparable. Joy!

I come home tell dad and then just flip. I had no control over me flipping I just relised that I had so much to do and that this was going to ruin my whole schedule. Everything was going to disrupted and my control over time and schedule messed up and unachieveable. I suppose it was more this loss of control that didnt sit with me more than the fact I had no car. I feel like my legs have been chopped off and I have no freedom but also that I am going to let people down and not be able to meet all the appointments in my diary.

Now I see why I was drawn to that text this morning. Of great relevance is:
“Eternal God, I praise you for the faithfulness of your love and the constancy of your purpose. I thank you that though all else may change, you stay the same; that though heaven and earth may pass away, your word endures forever. Teach me to live each momment in the light of that assurance, recognising that your promises in Christ will never fail and that the new life he has won for me will never fade. Help me to enjoy all the blessings of this life, celebrating everything you have so richly given, but help me finally to put my trust in your eternal kingdom; in the one hope that will never disappoint me, Through Jesus Christ my Lord, Amen.”

Help me put my trust in you Lord and not material things like my job, my diary or my car.

It has also just struck me that this could also be a way of getting thorugh to me that I need more time to myself and time unstructured and controlled by circumstances and my diary.

Grant me that quiet and patient spirit Lord.

I was an extreme E this evening when I met Becca. I have no idea why I just rambled and rambled and rambled. In fact she hardly got a chance to say anything - I even knew I was being an E and couldnt stop it!

As I was driving home it made me think of some MBTI related questions:

• Was I particularly Extraverted because I was confortable in her company?
• Did this therefore mean I wasnt being E in the way I was acting?
• Was I exerting an E preference because I had been surrounded by E’s all day?
• Because I had been around people that understood me all day, and I just needed to let out how I really feel about everything?
• •  Therefore is my Johari’s open window more open with some people, or is the information that I have a need to tell them different? Ie, i wouldnt have to explain about work to someone I work with?
• Am I stressed and therefore leaning towards my non-dominant function.
• Do I have so much internalised that I just needed to let it out.
• Have I just not seen her in ages?
• Or am I just reading too much into a very lovely evening with a very close friend?

I am loving all the MBTI stuff at the momment, and the fact that I can understand someone so much better by making an assumption to thier type beforehand. Todays presentations were an example - what a difference an I and E preferance and a J and P preferance made!! I think however the winning comment has to be:
J: Where are you keeping all your research
Me: Just here (looking at a folder)
J: What a stupid question. And I bet its all colour coded and filed!
Me: Would it be anything else! Its just my type!

MBTI has changed my life - after a discussion we had with BSc Sport and Exercise Performance 1st years there may be an indication to self awareness through the self and reported type. Now I understand my type and have tried it for size and its a good fit, Im so much more self-aware and happy with who I am and not afraid to be different or worry about how people see me. Im one of 16 types and I suppose that sits with my brain as being acceptable and not needing to change.

Im happy with being an ISTJ and Rachel. When I was just Rachel I lacked identity - that comes from being an ISTJ I guess, but now my understanding of it all has changed and I feel happy. I am who I am and I will not change for anyone!

Heard this at the Stand Confrence at Birmingham NEC on Saturday evening. Its part of the change in my life that results in my future and my present.
My present being education in the UK to reach a state of providing education to Uganda in the future.

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=I0NSkOdm-jE

I want to see what you see, I want to go where you go, I want to carry your passion for the world. Make my love deeper, make my HEART STRONGER. I will go for you, Send ME.

Making my heart stronger is what needs to happen - sometimes it feels so weak and ready to break. Break so much that I find myself looking at flights more often than not. Make my heart streonger Lord so that I can serve you in the long run more effectively.

An amazing weekend, and a new life has resulted from it. I hate injustice and I love you Lord. The two go hand in hand and together we will stand.

I felt like this today!! I shouldnt have and I know I needed a little more patience, but it got to me for several reasons:

They were international students and my understanding is that there should be some competence in English.

They were studying at Mastery level and therefore this competence should be at a higher level.

Not all of them turned up when it was a special session put on for them.

But what annoyed me most was that someone had allowed them onto the module, clearly for numbers. Personally i dont think that thier English competence was high enough. It just furates me that HE in the UK is becoming (or im starting to realise it more) more like a Ugandan school. A money making business. Education shouldnt be like that.
Education is about caring and sharing what you know not about how much funding you will get for each category of student or how much thier fees are or numbers on a course. Its about educating and learning. Intelluctual Property.

Maybe I just come from a silly and old school of thought.
Next week Im going to make a conscious effort not to be a dentist but to me a dental repair. I want to practise what I preach. I shall invest in thier lives and help them in whatever way that I can. I want education to be about caring and sharing. Ill make my stance towards starting that….

The MBTI tool is so powerful when you help carry it out on your friends. Its just so good to see a glimer of hope and understanding in that persons eyes when you have sat and heard about people are failing to understand them in different situations. MBTI has changed my life and I have every confidence that Jesus is working in her life and the use of the MBTI will help her to see that she is unique and thats allowed and that that is a strength. I hope that the MBTI can bring as much understanding and hope to her as it has me. After all isnt that what education is to be about - sharing and caring.

I love working in the education field.

We have in common an I preference - hence the reason we always need to find an opportunity to chill and chat together. Isnt it great having an excuse or a reason for such events! “It’s my type.!”