Trying to Understand

What a blessing Xalt was this evening. It was truly amazing and Im so glad I went. I dont know why I seemed to be able to engage with God so deeply and unfearfully tonight but I did; maybe it was because I had direct friends around me, maybe it was because I went with a deep expectation and longing to meet Jesus. I dont know, but I do know it was good!! :)

God is not almost God but All Most God. Thats amazing. God said and it was so...
There is nothing beyond his power that he cant do. All He needs to do is speak and it will happen - God said let there be light, and there was light. Wow.

Too oftern I think Ive lived in the circumstational theology that Keith mentioned but I have changed from this and God is constantly reminding that Im in the transaition period from this. The one issue at the momment that sees me put a box around my views of God and his ability is L anorexia. I cant see it getting better, in fact I can only see it getting worse, but God is the light that shines in the darkness and He will allow His light to shine through this and I will see the difference that it makes.

God is awesome.

Our journey with Jesus I believe is a long winding road or a ladder to the throne room of Christ. Yesterday I believe I advanced another significant step; its exciting.

For 8 years I had never been inside the church building in which I had been made to feel like a complete fool, a silly deluded child for believing in Catholicism, an inadequate and unloved soul excluded from the Kingdom. At the time I was 13 and felt judged. Judged to the level that I stopped going to the church. At 13 how I was suppost to know the difference between my Catholic schooling and this church? According to a few I was, and the result of that led me to be wrong and unworthy.
Gods being doing stuff regarding this issue for a few months, and I've coped with it. Its been hard and like Jesus in the garden of Gethsemane I often asked if there was other ways we could do it. But last night I got the go ahead to move off that rung on the lader and onto the next. Im glad its over, and immensly thankful to the people that have helped heal that pain (most of whom dont even know the initial pain that was there).

God moves in strange, but amazing ways... and through taking me to this Alpha course last night, I combatted the fear to just walk thorugh those church doors. I had healed in my own heart the relationship that I felt was key for me feeling judged when I met the 2 people involved the other week at a confrence; not at once, but gradually. Im sure they dont even know how I felt, and I certainly havent told them - God keeps telling me that although this happened it wasnt intentional and for that reason I feel satisfied that dealing with the forgiveness and pain in my own heart is enough. Ive gradually been able to build up relationship with the new vicar, and now I can walk through the doors without feeling unworthy. Of course I know I am an unworthy sinner in comparision to Christ, but my identity in Him now means that my sins are clean, and through Him I have his righteousness credited to me.

Johnathan even mentioned last night that He felt he had to apologise on behalf of religious leaders for the way that people may have been made to feel. I doubt he relised quite what he set free when he said that. The forgiveness is released, I can now move in the freedom of Christ.

I know that I seem to want to be able to make everything right at the momment, and I know that I cant do everything, but it is my prayer indeed that people are not made to feel judged in church by the people around them. We should welcome them with open arms, the minute we judge we act like God and thats not right. This expereince has come full circle and worked out ok for me; but what about those who see our actions as a reflection of Christ and chose to reject Christianity, them being in hell could be our responsibility - I know I dont want that on my conscience.

If this expereince has taught me anything its that the only one I have to be accountable to is God, not the sunday school lady who tried to see inside me and make that judgement. I now know the judge on a personal level and He says Im welcome. Thats good enough for me.

I went to a small meeting last night where we were given some guidnace on childrens ministry. It was very good, I needed to hear it just to re-mind me how precisous kids are in the sight of the Lord and thier child like faith, which can teach such so much.

There were loads of cool ideas and hopefully when were away we'll use some of them. I especially loved the teaspoon (or tsp) prayer. Even the youngest child would be able to grasp that.

So for the duration of the evening we took on the mind set of a child (aged 3 - 14) and then did a sort of soaking exercise.... listen to some music and ask the Holy Spirit to show us something. I was intrigued and immensly blessed!!

I love the fact that my God is faithful, and never fails or misses an appointment with me. If only we as humans were as reliable.
During this song I saw 2 hands holding together. Friends relising how special thier friendship is, Lovers walking on the beech rejoicing in the fact they have each other... a parent and a child... someone lost someone found. Me and my Father, my Heavenly Father. The song mentioned the worst trust, although I cant remember in what context and shields. I saw the shields around me fall to the floor when this hand took mine, and the word trust that I have always struggled with. My God is all of these; friend, lover, father, saviour. Its amazing.
Then what topped it off was when Matt T shared his picture he said that he felt he saw some of someone elses picture which was a hand dripping in oil. My spirit jumped. That was the part of the picture I failed to see, the oil of the annointing that He has given me. I am thankful, I am grateful, I am in awe of the one who gave everything for me.

Went to the pub after to see Rob and Sarah S on the last of the open mic sessions, and had a great evening. Just started reading Authentic Beauty by Leslie Ludy and its awesome already and Im only on page 10... what the rest of the book has in it I can't wait! The best bit was Lydia asking where I had moved the book too, because she had started reading it while I was out.... More Lord, MORE!!!

Im sat here at my new laptop studying for my degree on a sunny, albeit it snowy, Easter Monday, listening to my ipod in a warm house with lightening etc.... getting annoyed that my new digital camcorder has taken nearly a week to arrive.
HOW UNSELFISH OF ME. Im actually starting to get really annoyed with my flesh, these are all human desires and Im stressing over the royal mail.
What about the child in Africa sat crying in his mud hut with no doors or windows, whose mum has been gone all day collecting water, looking after his younger siblings, waiting.... Only he's waiting for his dinner not knowing when it will arrive, when his family can afford something. Im sat here waiting for a camcorder. Where is my conscious?

Im a small leaf in Gods amazing forrest, but I still want be able to do more. I know I cant change the world, but I want to darn well try. I dont want my degree anymore, I want that child above to have a hot meal daily. I dont want my ipod with songs reminding me of the state of our culture, I want that child to have an education. The list goes on....

I earnestly pray that God keeps knocking down my safety barriers of my life in this country. I dont want to be desiring my new camcorder, I want to be thankful for the meal I can afford to buy. I need to pray more and more, I cant sit and watch anymore. I know I have built a school in Uganda, but at the end of the day if families in the area cant afford to send thier children to school what good is it??

WOW is the only word I can think of.
I was procrastinating once again trying to avoid the dreaded dissertation, so was reading my past journals. I found the prophecy that I was looking for from the day of the baptisms last year (Dan, and Emmas etc...) about when God promised to remove the safety ropes. This was the first time that I recollected really feeling Gods spirit and hearing God.

The date 10/06/2007.
I carried on.... then I thought.... 10/06 is June 10th. June 10th - The day Im flying to Uganda!
How awesome is GOD!

I quote the exact words I felt through the worship that morning,
"The river of the Holy Spirit is going to tear away all of the safety ropes and barriers which keep you in your current position. Ask for more waves and strong currents which take away the safety and comfort of your position in the mooring and move you onto currents anew. Move for Him; move, Move, MOVE."
Well I asked several times throughout the year and constantly see things related to rivers and here it is. June 10th - looks like the boat is going from the canal into the ocean.

This is exciting stuff, very exciting. I stopped believing in co-incidence along time ago, today Im reminded why co-inciodence is rubbish; There is one very true and very alive God in heaven who has the exact plan for our lives writtern down. Im glad He guards that paper and not me, imagine the hash of it I'd make without Him.

Ok, God certainly takes us places that we have never been before.... this afternoon he gave me a slot on the radio! The thought of me going on the radio is laughable, but I coped... It wasnt a very long interview and thankfully it wasnt live so it can be edited but it was a step and a step in faith too.

God totally provided this opportunity, and the whole thing was complete within 24 hours from me sending the initial email, amazing! Unfortunately I didnt get a chance to say too much about church or my motive being God behind it all, but the whole thing has been for Gods glory and will certainly continue to be. Im just so thankful that this project has taken off so well; Im praying that prehaps only one person was suppost to hear that interview and the results of that could be amazing - all in His timing and His plan, which makes it even more exciting!!

I love living in uncertainity and not knowing what will happen tomorrow because I have the King in my heart... awesome stuff!

Just singing lots of worship songs to the One who has saved me, and is the most awesome friend I can think of. As the song Im learnin goes, "Gods love is big, Gods love is great, Gods love is fab and Hes my mate." Now only 5 more songs to learn!!

IM SO EXCITED!!

On Sunday 3 people told me that I was creative again.... what!? God is certainly laughing from the heavens, I can hear it! Im just going to have to let this happen, if Ive learnt anything from experience theres no stopping God!! hehe.

Plans for the badge being released over the whole of Anglia are going well, and Im excited. Not only excited that were making money but that people are all participating in something thats for God's Kingdom. It just outstands me that there is so much interest in this. Joan said Sunday night that I have an annointing for making money, maybe shes right.... maybe I should consider this a little more and think about it with more sincerity.

I also have a radio interview now! - I just felt God tell me to email a few radio stations, and me thinking that nothing would come of it did, and within a few hours I had an acceptance and now Im shaking in my boots because I havent a clue what I should say! There goes his chuckle again, teaching me so much more than I could ever be taught on earth...

I have also been thinking alot over the last few days about what would happen if I didnt want to come home from Uganda. Gods been showing me that I am ready to move out of home, and have a life of my own. I am capable of this, even though I may be a little aprehensive. The more i thought and prayed about it the more I feel at peace with it; so at peace that I have told 3 people - a year ago this wouldnt have happened - it would have been my own private dream which would have never become true or persued anymore i just would have beaten myself up about it for weeks or even months. Then today I told the third person a very good friend, and she says that she felt she should tell me this the other day! (Confirmation or what!?) Ive decided that Im not going to make any decision about this before i go, I will leave it until Im there and experiencing the lifestyle. God has the plan all I need to do is follow in it..... However thinking about this maybe this is why I also feel so at peace not applying for graduate training schemes that Ive spent my whole time in education dreaming about, maybe this is why my heart is breaking for children with no education. And if you cant bring them home with you, why not move out there! That brings me to another thing that Ive been thinking about since i heard that a baby was left at the school and died because of the heat - adoption. What if I fall in love with a child out there, how am I going to be able to leave knowing that they wont have the education that Ive had. It breaks my heart.

I honestly dont think that I could come home and do an office based job, after experiencing love in action. 1 John 3: 18 sums if up for me at the momment..... "Dear Children, let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth."

However its not my will that should be done, but His. He is worthy of all the praise and the glory, for He is the one that has enabled this small dream of mine to be turned into a reality.

I got my results from my set of year 3 exams the other day and I was very pleasently suprised! 76% for HRM, and 59% for Strategic Management.
But what suprised me even more is the fact that I did no revision whatsoever for these exams and left the whole thing in Gods hands. Instead I decided the whole thing was to be God's will so I just prayed that His will would be done; and it was!! I remember thinkning at the time what a dangerous prayer I could be praying, but as I relised today, I was just exercising the trust that I have developed in my Father.

I thank God so much for these results but above that I thank Him for teaching me trust. 3 years ago I only wanted to go to University to prove my parents wrong, to prove to other people that I could achieve something, to get 3 little letters behind my name and give me some status...... but here 2 and a bit years later I had enough faith in my Father to trust in His plans. Im so glad that I did!

Im thankful to the one who planted and has developed this very small seed of faith into a growning vine. It is certainly still growing and very much needed with a dissertation due in in only 5 small weeks time! The result of my degree seems irrelevant but I'm excited that this is obviously something that is in God's plan for me somewhere at least!

Lesley Lee mentioned at several times over the weekend that were moving into a season of creativity. I dont feel very creative, but if its God's plan I know very well it will happen! I feel like God's sence of humour is shining right through this!!:
1. Lesley showed her 'inspirational' paintings and my brian struggled to see what she had painted.
2. I went and had a closer look at the paintings in the lunch break, and then had a really good conversation with Tracy from KCG about bring creative in different ways, and recieved a prophesy.
3. Then I come having finished my journal with lines, to find that the only other journal I had was one with blank pages, that were just screaming at me - CREATIVITY!!!

I hear Gods chuckle from here! Im going to give it a go although I feel like Lesley did - very little faith in myself full of faith in Him above!

I havent posted here for ages, just over two weeks! So much has happened, I have been a very busy and very excited little bee and consequently had no time for writing.....
A brief and quick update:

Thinking Day: I had to deliever a presentation at the county thinking day meal on Feb 22nd at The Officers Club, Colchester to 100 guiders. To say it was scary is an understatement.... I prayed for ages before hand and through every secentence I said! I felt as if I messed everything up but everyone commented on the deliverence of my presentation, God was very gracious. Theres so many people to be thinking about on Thinking Day and to be doing a presentation on my school in Uganda made me feel so privaledged that as a guiding community we had come together and built this school in Uganda.

Job: I applied for a job at a company called Stewardship - a Christian finance charity. Applying for a job i knew I probably wouldnt get seemed stupid but God told me to do it, He even just gave me the webpage. A few days after I got a telephone call saying that I wasnt being considered further for the position (no suprise there!) but that they loved my CV and are re-structuring in a few months and would like to keep me on file (I was speachless!). God is so faithful. A few months before Christmas it was prophesied over me that I would be working in a company where I was helping Christians get out of debt. Our God is a God of transformation, a God who is capable to take a small seed of willingness and turn it into a dream and then make it reality - Hes shown me that with the school project, now Hes showing me His provision for a job, I stand totally in awe of Him. I am holding all my hopes on this job, I know it is right in my heart. Ive stopped applying for graduate training schemes - I dont know if I should keep trying...... wouldnt that be undermining Gods ability to provide? I have to pray about this, the Met Police form is due in on Friday and if I didnt get Stewardship I would love the Police Accountant Course.

Morocco: I cant believe that Im doing this but Im taking a week out of University to go to Morocco - I must be mad, or it must have the blessing of the Father! I am so at peace about it its amazing - that peace that transcends all understanding just blows me away. As an old TA said to me on Sunday evening, "Once God starts something in you He doesnt stop" - I DONT WANT IT TO STOP!!!! Im loving being completly knackered and worn out, knowing that its all form my Jesus, my Lord and my Saviour. As Arthur Says its not the 'if but the how'. I will give God my best everyday, in everything because I love him with all my heart.

Uganda: I have booked my flights to Uganda, and am so excited! Im actually counting down the hours..... Theres still so much more that I need to get done before I start my exams tho, because I fly only 4 days after I graduate, but I love being busy! God so faithfully provided the money for the school, that I trust in his guidance and safety on this trip; theres several things that I am scared about especially loosing my luggage, but God will protect me and Alan and Beryl are the most amazing people that I entrust my safety in them too. Im just so excited about going and seeing God's glory everywhere in a totally new place to me.... animals on safari, kids who are so happy with nothing, people with no job, no house etc... I know Im going to learn so much and it will all be a lesson from Him, IM JUST SO EXCITED, I have to scream nearly daily just to release all the excitement!

The Queen: I fly back on July 11th and on July 15th I MEET THE QUEEN! This too is so exciting. Having been nominated by the Lord Leuitenant of Essex, Lord Petre, I am ever so thankful to Jesus for doing this work through me. It is my prayer that He is glorified through my project, and not me.... Im not the star - He is. I did the work - He provided the energy and determination. It is outstanding to see what God can do with a dream and a small amount of desire!

Arthur Blessitt: Arthur came to church this weekend just gone (1st / 2nd March) and it was amazing. That man is just so full of encouragement, Bec is so blessed to have such an Uncle! Several things I took away from his talk:
1. its not the IF but the HOW
2. Giving God your best daily is all that is required of you.
3. His determination to win people for the kingdom and just show them the Fathers love.
4. God protection over someone who lives completly in the will of God.
5. It is better to die doing something in the will of God than to look good doing something outside His will.
This is the second time Ive met Arthur and he never looses hope or enthusiam, (or his sence of humour!). I can picture the scene in heaven now when Arthur gets to the throne room and God said "I told you to talk around the world, not walk!" Whatever Gods instriction, Arthur is a man full of humility, obidence and passion to his saviour. A great example to us all.

Dissertation: Its coming along, albeit a bit slowly.... Im just asking for wisdom, and peace with every scentence I type. My hands are starting to play up with all the typing and hours of it at that, so prayers would be gratefully recieved. I know the condition I have been diagnosed with is not of the Kingdom of God, so I try and stand against it daily refusing to feel the pain, and be bound by this disability. Its hard when your hand is frozen stiff, but my God is a God of miracles and healing, so I entrust it to Him.