Trying to Understand

In general my head feels a bit more iragnised - I have a slightly new claffied direction, and the phrase "I dont know" has been banished from my vocabulary by Viv. Its so strange what that phrase was doing to me - I can see the effects on my mind after only a few hours of consciously not using it and when i do accidently say it im aware that Ive said it. I guess it has the same sort of power over my life as, "my legs are killing me".... we need to watch our words dont just become habit. We so often underestimate thier power, After all God created the earth by speach, surely that should give us some idea to the power of language, voice and words....!?

Was watching Golden Balls this evening, which is really the promting behind me writing. £93,000 was up for spilts between these two people and they had both agreed to 'split'. Howver greed got hold of one woman who 'stole' and the other lady was left pennyless... it sickens me. Her justification - "I did it for my kids". She may have done it for her kids but would half that done for the kids in Africa. Greed is a horrid thing and its consuming this world at such a rate. I want and will be a part that stands against that and shows how we can live satisfactoraly at the same time as caring for those in poverty.

Greed and Poverty are never used in the same scentence. The greedy are not even aware of the poverty stricken that live down thier street (Im reminded of the street in Morocco where the princess lives opporsite the slums and has no knowledge that they are there as she has never stepped foot outside of her compound), yet the poverty stricken mis-interpret the rich - to them someone with something is rich.... All I can see is Pastor Kalibala retelling the story of the 'money tree in England'. These people just need some help, just a little. Where there is no social system there is no life....

Looking through Uganda photos saw the typical shack shop front covered with the advertising - "Sadolin - Colour Your World". How are these people ever going to see a colourful world living in the depths of depravity with mud for floor covering, paint on the walls, and the roof over thier head. Mud only comes in one colour, and it certainly doesnt bring rejoicing or life, yet they are so grateful for a mud room. Thier gratitude astounds me - I want to have that attitude.

It takes some heart to be able to be grateful and thankful to the offer of a bed-sit when you know the donor could quite comfortably afford to give you a mansion. I want to develop that heart Lord. Instil in me your gratefulness and thanks. I want to give like you and in order to do that need to sacrifice everything like you.

Greed doesnt even come out needing something, it comes out of wanting something. wanting something so much that you strive to reach it inspite of hurting others. I would hate to live in that place, although there was once a time when I would desire to live that way.

I think my conversation with Viv highlighted that to my heart yesterday - the London dream was boprn out of the need for acceptance and highlighiting my success. I dont need to strive for success I have acceptance thats enough for me now.
The acceptance of my Christ is all that I need, and all that I want. London is not for me; Ill swop it for the slums.

This mornings all age service was great. There was such a powerful message being portrayed, a message that I had never considered in such a meaningful way before. God is the gardener and prunes us back so that we will produce good fruit in its plenty. We all have seasons and he trips us according to our season.... my season of education has come to an end and Im being trimmend and refined ready to prepare for the season that lies ahead whatever that may be.

This evening we just enetered into the throne room of Christ (or the gardeners shed!). It was awesome. I was just stood there hands in the air hungry for Jesus, literally straving and reaching as high as I could for HIM. Nothing else would satisfy but HIM. The 2 ladies that had just returned from Lakeland were ministering to us all, and I am sure that they were intent i was falling over, but i was standing firm. I wanted to reach higher into His throne room and I could only do that standing up with my hands heavenward. I have nevr felt the need to worship as hard or as passionatly as I did tonight. I did not give one care in the world about the others standing around watching me, all I wanted was Jesus in His glory.

Things arn't easy at the momment, but I have the most solid rock that I need in Jesus. I also have it in His body, the church, my church. I left church laughing but crying in my spirit. Here was a whole host of people who dearly love me, and me them but yet I can never be open and honest with them. Im changing that because the secret is the place of the devil and I do not want to be there. I want to be in the open and have all these people around me encouraging me and loving me through whatever comes my way, so that in return I can do it for them also. I have the best family that I could ask for....giving that up for the Lord and moving away will be a very hard task, but as I told Him last night Im prepared to do it if it means I can live in His glory and bring that to others too. I will sacrifice anything for you Lord, I will pray my kingdom out and yours in. Yours is the only kingdom that I want to live in and under, as is your glory.

You are holy Lord; You are worthy Lord.

I have been absent for over a month, but alot has happened!
I have been to Uganda and had the most amazing time of my life - learnt what it means to love Jesus in every situation and to scarifice everything for Him.
Got my degree results, ands wanted to throw them away all within the same 5 minutes. I still struggle to see the relevance of my degree in a world where there are thousands of kids not even able to get to a school let alone aford the small fees to attend.
Went to Jamboree with 10,000 guides and scouts from all over the world, and experienced first hand what unity is about and how the young people of our world and county have this message at thier hearts. If only some of the large poilitcal bodies can expereinece the passion these kids have in thier hearts for thier peers and thier environment. The atmosphere was moving.
Seen my sister admited to an anorexia unit, and relised the feeling of love I have for her has been hidden from me for the past 17 years... and am now struggling to try and understand and comprehend it. I have seen the effects that the world has on an individual who has been blinded from the love of Christ in her life.
Been to icthus and heart the most heart felt message on the depth and love of Christ that it is uncomprehendable. My love for MY JESUS is re-kindled, re-fueled and certyaibly re-alight.

The only thing I havent managed to sort out is a job or plan for 4 weeks time, but i guess things like that need to wait when there are more pressing matters arising, and everything is surrenedered into HIS hands.

Into your hands I commit spirit father.