Trying to Understand

The past month has been a complete whirlwind of emotions, thoughts and activities. My main issues have laid around the country of my dreams and my subsequent decisions. I still dont have a firm answer, but I think I know what it is in my heart, despite my heart not immediately agreeing.

I just have to keep reminding myself that we must undergo periods of preperation for such things, and this is preperation and I have to oblige - I will reach my goal in the end, Jesus has already promised it to me.

So I know that I really need to be here for a while longer, and I know what I need to do, but now the question lies as to where shall I do it? My life is in Colchester not at another institution. Would I actually manage to cope and survive with none of my support network and friends around me, and the pain of having to struggle through just to see her face again? I dont think I would. I could get a much better degree somewhere else than I could where I am at the moment, but I dont think I am prepared to do that. Whilst this education to some may seem extremly self-centered it is actually world-centered and not for me at all. I could not to do, I have the desire to say no but I know that it is His desire there I will make it mine too. If ARU plans happen then that would be fab, a good degree in the subject I would like from a good institution in that area, and if not then I will go for just the teaching experience and a research degree in business, - at the end of the day its a means to an end. A means to the lives of the children that I want to impact.

Whilst I cant see the path ahead of me and it feels at times as if I am walking in the valley of darkness with this situation I will continue to trust in you Father. The world is in darkness but you cast a light, and I trust that the light will shine on this path. I trust in you because its for you my plans are to develop and evolve. Its not for me anymore Father, I dont want my degree, I dont want any of my education, I want them to have it all, but if that means I have to do this degree and continue studying I will.

I will give my life today if it means that the children of the world are one step closer to having the educatuion that they rightly deserve, I will give it all. EVERYTHING but You.

Everything but you….
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YOU

I believe God speaks His nature and love to us thorugh music and in the same way we can worship him and enter His throne room in the same manner. This year God has shown me new and exciting things through music and song, one of the most memorable is the day I drove home from uni and without touching the ipod once this prayer (literaly by the words and order of the songs) was formed…. I was crying - because of the words, but mainly because of the message of assurance He gave me on a day when my education appeared to hit a finite end, and the day of freedom was here. How awesome.

In addition to this there has been some secular music that has spoken to me, and on a deeper listening has a spiritual undertone and meaning.

The main albulms that I have loved this year include:

• Whitney Houston
• Abundant Life Church - especially You Never Fail Me, and Send Me.
• Vicky Beeching  - the rawness of her worship and desire to go deeper into Jesus and all He is. Seeing her worshipping live at Birmingham NEC Stand Event was amazing.
• Delirious? - whilst I love some of the words of this band I especially like the way that they engage the younger generation and appeal specifically to them. Kingdom of Comfort is an amazing albulm.
• Britt Nicole - I wanna set the world on fire.
• Casting Crowns - Who am I and the Voice of Truth
• Godfrey Birtill - Balsam Trees - all about a change of perspective…. In the wilderness can you see Eden?
• Hillsong - This is our God Album especially the song This is our God
• Jason Upton- The World is Wide Open (1200ft below sea level albulm)
• Sam Blake and Joel Pridmore from Rivercamp08 - Breakout
• Micheal W Smith - A New HAllelujah
• CompassionArt
• African Childrens Choir
• Thre3 - Joy
• YFRiday - Holy Holy Holy
• Switchfoot - Meant to Live…. Its true, we are suppost to live for ’so much more.’

Howver my all time favourite song and impact of the year and most possibly my life has to be African Children’s Choir - It takes a whole village. It will take a lot to push that off the top spot! I imagine Lydia everytime I hear it - it sums up her life and the life of any small African child.

Found this while clearing out my emails… it was one significant part of the jigsaw that lead me to give my whole life to Christ in 2006. Its from a guy called Rob that I have never met or spoken to… just landed in my inbox in response to something that I had writtern somewhere.

I havent felt in the right mood to think about Christmas or the new year for the past few weeks so today I am rather glad that it the start of a new year, a year where I will live to the fullest and live each day as if its my last on this earth.

I have had little hope in the world this past year, This year I have the strongest and most true religion that I could ask for - Jesus. Jesus is my one and only hope. My only hope in reaching all my dreams and seeing all the plans that I have fulfilled. I refuse to put any hope in this world, earthly things of false goods - my hope is only in Him.

Christmas was different and in the normally way lacked alot of Christ. However saying that KCL did some great things this year and it was brilliant to be able to see a drama all around the real meaning of Christmas, even with the thoughts of the servants on the birth of the King ; just something you never take the time to think off. The most impacting momment of Christmas happened for me in this…. the servant kicked up a fuss about taking in the present, was horrid to the other servants etc… and in general emminated a horrid attitude. After he had given the present he sad there and said how wrong he had been, how mistaken he was and silently cried. A silent cry that personifies all of our thoughts and feelings of this saviour in human form, this baby Jesus, this God the day we see for real the power of that baby, the beauty and the majesty. That silent cry is my hearts cry - I want to have that revelation that sees Jesus in that light.

All I could think of this Christmas was Iman and Lydia - what was thier christmas like. The one conclusion I came to was that it would be less materialistic than mine and probably more Christ centred than mine too. I tried to replicate this, but the western way of consumerism didnt allow for this totally. Despite a lack of presents I enjoyed Christmas in my heart, I had a good time, the presents meant nothing, I have recieved the best present that the Father could offer me - the birth of his own son send for my life.

I saw the new year in with a desire to see God glorified this year and a complete change and relovution of life. I havent made any new years resolutions but I do have 4 ambitions:

• To see things from a different (Christ-like) perspective
• To seek the face of the Father through prayer
• To make steps towards a future in a country that has completly stolen my heart and
• To be content with what I have so that I can learn what it is to be content with what I dont have (have the heart and mindset of Iman)

There are some other things that would be lovely to see achieved this year, but in a way this encompasses them all.

So what has come out of 2008?

• A heart stolen by the realms of poverty and sacrifice.
• An education that is both self-centred and world-centred.
• Heavenly provision for the path to enter my dreams.
• Fundraising that has allowed kids to see the Lords provision.
• Many friendships bloom and bud.
• A realisation that my family is far beyond what I think and can see.
• The blessing of belonging and being accepted in the most amazing ‘family’ i could imagine.
• A greater sence of the fathers heart.
• A desire to succeed.
• A breakout of the box of religion into that of faith and experience.

Alot of rubbish stuff has happened this year, but i believe it all has a secodary purpose - its strengthened my faith. My faith in the unseen but yet not unexperienced. As I have laid there in my bed crying myself to sleep, driving down the A12 screaming about everything that has happened around me, in tears in the office, on the plane leaving my love and dreams behind, crouched on the floor behind my door unable to comprehend being in the UK, walking through the gardens of Buckingham Palace, feeling like a stranger in my own country (the list could go on)…. I have felt the love, comfort, compassion, embrace, touch of my only Father, the only one who knows me as a person inside out. That is faith and I am so glad that I have had it this year.

Thank you father.

This year has shown me that I have missed out on the earthly fatherly hug and ‘I love you’ statements, but as Mark Stibbe says, we can find all that in Jesus and I have. Its truly unexplanable.
So many people have contributed to my 2008 journey and I am truly thankful to them all. So in the way that I plan to live 2009 - although everything points to it being the worst year of my life, maybe it has been the foundation of my discipleship and teaching on how to live the rest of my life, equipping me with the skills and experience of his goodness and faithfullness to enter any depths and situation. Its all about seeing things from a different perspective.

In summary (from Jason Uptons new album 1200ft below sea level) “I have touched your hand, you have called me freind”.

Webale Yezzu.