Trying to Understand

I just had to make a memory of this conversation - in the midst of my procastination and groaning to the Lord that I can’t find any motivation to do my thesis a small window pops up at the bottom of my facebook and I have this short and sweet chat with a good friend who has moved out of the area. How good is my God! I love you Lord (said in sign as well of course!)

Lynne jer 29:11 follow your heart go for it you can easily pick up when back xx

1:27pmRachel hiya how are you?

1:27pmLynne you will be a spiritual mother for hundreds im fine thanks xx im in waffle mode lol

1:28pmRachel keep going - i needed to hear that! thank you so much x

1:28pmLynne sometimes we can sit and be still when father wants us to be active now

1:29pmRachel do you think God would be saying that now?

1:29pmLynne he preared you follow your heart

1:30pmRachel thank you so much…… i really so just want to follow my heart but am stuck at the moment as to whether actually i have taken the wrong path or am on the way to taking the wrong path,

1:30pmLynne at this mo what does your heart say

1:30pmRachel all i want to be is active in his will and all i seem to be doing is sitting still getting qualifications. I thought i was in a season of preperation but im starting to realise that the more i stay here im loosing the drive and passion of my God and thats not what he would require so i may in the wrong place…

1:32pmLynne well thats for a reason but we can be bogged down by education your a gifted woman of god and the things you have you needed you have follow your heart if its to early father will bring you back but trust him

1:33pmRachel thats true - thank you.

1:33pmLynne you have your staff and the armour of god and a solid education that equips you to meet the needs they have

1:33pmRachel i need to stop worrying and let him make the decisions, I know that its just a weird feeling not having any concrete plans cos my family cant understand why i am leading my life in this way! very true - i have been thinking about the armour God gives us alot lately too!

1:34pmLynne but you relying on father and thats good dont let your family or others be a stumbling block

1:35pmRachel i know, i try.

1:35pmLynne just have passport and prepare a case so when he says go you go ok xx

1:36pmRachel thank you so much for the words of encouragement. are you serious? - be that ready!!

1:36pmLynne thats ok felt prompted to share

1:36pmRachel Fantastic - i hav tried so hard to position myself in such a place for months removing all my major ties in this country so that I can go like tomorrow if called to! Awesome…!

1:37pmLynne it could be months or a year you know its coming so be ready for his command

1:38pmLynne your feeling of unsettleness idicates i think sooner then later xxx

1:38pmRachel i hope so - i just continue to trust in Him. Theres nothing left that I can do in my own power and strength. Are you down in Colchester any time soon? Would be nice to meet up and catch up properly.

1:39pmLynne thats try he in control enjoy the build up cause you know what he planning for you. im down hopefully may xx

1:40pmRachel great - let me know and maybe we can catch up.

1:41pmLynne you take care hun, just remember ok that enjoy the build up try not to worry xx deffo meet up xx

1:41pmRachel i will do - thanks for what you said…. i just needed to hear that someone else thought the same as me - i always doubt so much what I think I hear God saying! Its a great encouragement - thank you. xxx

1:43pmLynne your welcome. praise the lord he uses ppl that not in midst of things to build up and encourage thank you father you are good all the time xx

Im learning sign language, and finding it an amazing experience. Part of it is making me challenge my learning styles and see that in reality I am a fair amount of an activist and kinestetic learner - or prehaps Im just so sick of textbooks, journals, the internet and reading this is a good release and something different to focus my mind and attention on.

I have found that a good way to build up my general vocab and speed and fluidity of signing is to learn signs to songs. Since the majority of the songs that I know off my heart are worship songs thats exactly what I have been learning. Sign Langauge first appealed to me when I saw a lady signing for interpretation at Icthus in 2007… I was blown away buy the beauty and emotion. I guess I had forgotten alot about that because now when I am signing all I seem to feel is emotion. I can express things to the Lord in words unspoken - simple hand movements that need my facial expressions or emotion behind them to make any sense. It is a beautiful language.

I have just learnt above all powers and that continues to blow my socks off at how moving a song that I knew pretty much off my heart can be when you ’sing’ or worship using it in a different way. I guess thats also why Cre8 strikes a chord with me…. worship in a different way. I feel as a coroprate church we need to explore this further, for refreshing and reminder that worship is not just about spoken words in song.

My vocab is growing but so is my love for the Lord, and my expression of that through sign.

Lately I have been awakened to the fact that we live in a spiritual battle - something has been putting me off writing all my thoughts, feelings and prayers here lately and thye more that I think about it I kow that it is the devil keeping me from pressing forwards. This is often the only way that I can express my own thoughts and feelings and in stopping me writing and unloadfing my heart he is heeding my pathway to the Father. I have decided not to be beaten, I will press forward.

Prehaps the experience that showed me this spiritual battle so clearly was the other Friday nights Street pastors. I have been against going for months feeling that it was too dangerous a place to be on Friday night as a 22 year old female, however I wanted to see what ll the hype was about. I agreed to go with Keithy, knowing that then I wouldnt be pressurised into joinging immediatly.

The date was set and I started to look forward to it. That day every concieveable thing went wrong (was the day described in the previous post), J left, I had an encounter with a student that I would rather have not had, a lady on the phone wound me up etc…. small things mainly that normally would not have caused me concern. I knew it was the devil but failed to recognise it in time.

Driving the SP it got worse, seeing the people p;ile on the streets I was stressing this wasnt the thing to be doing. I parked (eventually!!) and started walking to the church, I became awrare that tonight would be hard and I needed to pray on my own and put mu armour on. Asd I did i relaised the antics of the day had been the devil tryong to stop me from going. I stood against it knowing that we were going out in His authority to make a difference.

11pm came and we left the safety of the church for the streets, I felt an idiot in my coat when people were out in nothing but I felt authority. I felt that I was suppost to be there, I was allowed, I walked in authority. It was immense. His prwsence was evident even amongst the atmosphere on a Friday night on the streers anbd clubs.
The night only got better. We would stand and pray over situations, situations which were violent looking but its as if we were invisable - peiople didnt approach us with vilenece or anything, amazing!! Small acts of kindress were greatly appreciated.

One lady stood at the taffic lights at 3am hailing down a taxi to no avail. We walked her to the taxt rank and she grabbed my hand for security once she was assured who we were. She squeesed my hand so tight it was red, and all she could say was thanks, thanks. When she got in the taxi she pulled me to close to hug her - I know Jesus loves her and will work in her becausde of our small act of taking her to the taxi - wouldnt Jesus have done the same?
The evening came complete with laughter and seriousness - one girl had to be sent to hospital after it was suspected someone had spiked her drink, it makes me think what would have happened if people like us were not there - she could never have made it home. Laughs were also in abdunace as we mixed with the homeless on the streets and saw Scooby Doo and Wilma pile into a taxi. There is no better way to spend an evening than being his hands and feets.

Even though Im learning No at the moment, im saying Yes to this. My heart is there and Jesus is teaching me that this is a step of faith, and a step in which he will expland me and help me walk in obidemnce and relationshipo with him. It shows how far Ive cme since that evening on the town where I spent hours in bed having convulsions…. if that wasnt a spiked drink I dont know what it was.

Only jesus will prevail. My Jesus. He will reign in the hearts of all ion the streets - if not today, soon. They will find him and SP is just one way of speeing that process up - showing people who need it the oractical love of Christ, After all Jesus wuld be out there in a SP jacket anyday - he already is. He goes way before us.

Thank you Lord.

Change is always a painful experience, especially if your like me and hate it. Even moving the sofa takes a whole week or two to get used to, but a major change involving people - well that hurts.

I have known for months that this change was going to happen, I had managed to convince myself that I would be able to cope with it as hopefully I would be moving in the same direction very shortly but I was still not prepared for the immense cruching feeling that I would feel when we locked the office for the very last time.

Both J and I have known since before christmas that she was off to pastures new to start a more academic career and when I found out I coulsnt have been more happier for her; the opportunity was fantasti, the timing brilliant and the location perfect. I was uposet, who wouldnt be at loosing a colleague and friend but in the light of what could have happened she wasnt going far. I gave it all over to God - he had put me in this situation so far and I know and continue to trust that it is for a purpose and the next step will become clear in his perfect timing and not before.

We had spent the last few weeks laugfhing and joking as normal, typing people, drinking tea, going for lunch etc…. just normal things, but all the time ignoring the fact that the last day was drawing nearer. We even managed to get through the leaving tea and cakes without it really hitting home. Clearing out the office it became more real - things hit the bin, the keep pile but all the time there was still no real sense of today being the end. We locked up the office and stood and looked at the car - a career in a car. It hit. Even I couldnt hold in the tears…..

I know that I will see J again, tonight infact, so that isnt the issue, I think that my pain was caused by the fact that J has been there for me in more ways than necessary over the past 2 years expecially and we had just developed a strong friendship. I know I will be fine on my own in the office and I will get the work done that I need so that I can also move onto new horizons, but that letting go period is always hard - especially when you have denied in your heart that it will happen for the last 4 months.

I release her to you lord, your your guidenace and protection, your frinedship and your love. I believe you planted me there for a purpose, and unfortunately that has not been quite met as yet, still work through me father, use every opportunity for your glory and purpose.

Whilst spending the weekend thinking about this i relaised than in some situations i have put more friendship into J than Jesus. I need to change that attitude. I know the reason behind it - its the whole how can I have a friendship with someone i cant see and interact with, and I also know that that is the devils trick. I know that I do have a fship with Him and that I will work on it and improve it more, I just need the motivation to do it. This provioded it. I shouldnt have such a striong friendship with something that can be taken away - and He is the only one constant. The past 2 years have shown me that if nothing else.

So my final thoughts on the mater are that I release her to your power and protection, and that I need You more to instil in me that desire to place fship and trust in your hands.
Hide me in the darkness Lord, not the darkness of the devil, but the darkness that comes from being so close to your wings hiding in the shadows.