Trying to Understand

Change is always a painful experience, especially if your like me and hate it. Even moving the sofa takes a whole week or two to get used to, but a major change involving people - well that hurts.

I have known for months that this change was going to happen, I had managed to convince myself that I would be able to cope with it as hopefully I would be moving in the same direction very shortly but I was still not prepared for the immense cruching feeling that I would feel when we locked the office for the very last time.

Both J and I have known since before christmas that she was off to pastures new to start a more academic career and when I found out I coulsnt have been more happier for her; the opportunity was fantasti, the timing brilliant and the location perfect. I was uposet, who wouldnt be at loosing a colleague and friend but in the light of what could have happened she wasnt going far. I gave it all over to God - he had put me in this situation so far and I know and continue to trust that it is for a purpose and the next step will become clear in his perfect timing and not before.

We had spent the last few weeks laugfhing and joking as normal, typing people, drinking tea, going for lunch etc…. just normal things, but all the time ignoring the fact that the last day was drawing nearer. We even managed to get through the leaving tea and cakes without it really hitting home. Clearing out the office it became more real - things hit the bin, the keep pile but all the time there was still no real sense of today being the end. We locked up the office and stood and looked at the car - a career in a car. It hit. Even I couldnt hold in the tears…..

I know that I will see J again, tonight infact, so that isnt the issue, I think that my pain was caused by the fact that J has been there for me in more ways than necessary over the past 2 years expecially and we had just developed a strong friendship. I know I will be fine on my own in the office and I will get the work done that I need so that I can also move onto new horizons, but that letting go period is always hard - especially when you have denied in your heart that it will happen for the last 4 months.

I release her to you lord, your your guidenace and protection, your frinedship and your love. I believe you planted me there for a purpose, and unfortunately that has not been quite met as yet, still work through me father, use every opportunity for your glory and purpose.

Whilst spending the weekend thinking about this i relaised than in some situations i have put more friendship into J than Jesus. I need to change that attitude. I know the reason behind it - its the whole how can I have a friendship with someone i cant see and interact with, and I also know that that is the devils trick. I know that I do have a fship with Him and that I will work on it and improve it more, I just need the motivation to do it. This provioded it. I shouldnt have such a striong friendship with something that can be taken away - and He is the only one constant. The past 2 years have shown me that if nothing else.

So my final thoughts on the mater are that I release her to your power and protection, and that I need You more to instil in me that desire to place fship and trust in your hands.
Hide me in the darkness Lord, not the darkness of the devil, but the darkness that comes from being so close to your wings hiding in the shadows.