I started to discern it realising that it could not have just been a stroke of bad luck and as I relised more and more what it was it got worse. It hurt more. It became more complicated. I realised how everything was twisted up into one whole spiritual mess.
The past doesnt need dwelling on, but suffice to say the relationship between 2 families had become intertwinded wiuth me and H. What started of as gossip on ones side, turned into a spiritual battle. We spent weeks hating it, becoming religious turning up to church and not out of choice, feeling judged and living in torment.
We spoke to X and Y about it the other week, where it was hoped and prayed that an opportunity would arise for us to discuss the issue with the people involved. I just hated living in secracy anymore, everything was becoming a lie and I was living the stained glass menarade lifestyle Casting Crowns sing of. It was bringing me to feeling sick etc…. underneath I knew it was all spiritual.
At Levites it got worse when 2 attacks came in the same evening (unrelated) and I knew from that moment on this was now not a case of idle gossip, but a massive spiritual battle. Things worked up in me so much that I had to go and see someone else - confrontation not my thing this was not easy but necessary. The week progressed and the feeling inside was worse day by day - something in my spirit said sunday was the day.
True to His word as He always is - Sunday was the day. The spiritual atmospher was horrid - I felt sick and could see it in the room and feel it hitting me. SR was down from Y and everything he said was directed at us and the situation, this was no co-incidence - I stopped believing in that along time ago but I couldnt even have preteneded it was tonight, even B and M said things that were spot on. Of the people that knew about it it was writtern on thier faces too and even the people who had caused all this hurt knew it. It all came out - I was in tears, H was in tears, and C, S, K, M, R did the best they could to help us break it and pray against it. We had to forgive them, C forgave them and now its over….
It amases me just how quickly God can heal something when we relise we need his help. We had been turning to him for weeks about this but our relationship with him hgad been hindered by the devil who had burdended us with all this weight and tourment. God stepped in faithful to his word and said, ” its ok I love you. Your my children, Your conquerors. Its there sin and not yours. Do not be burdened.”
As soon as we had spoken to SR about it and prayed she came up to us. I hugged her in tears, and replied, “Im fine its all over”. That was also no mistake. It is, its forgiven, forgotten and finished - but re-building trust and understanding of that word will take a lot of time and need a lot of healing from Daddy too.
I feel like he took away all the rocks in the backpack that night and replaced them with helium. I can smile and mean it, I can laugh and not be fake, I can look at her and not be angry, I can talk to daddy again, I can love, live in love and live. I am free because of Him in me.
I’m now on the lookout to protect myself spiritually and physically. I will heal our relationship but with caution. I know who I can trust, and I know I am loved. Ive come on a horrible journey thorugh this but now its light, and laughter - my God stepped in and brought an end to a massive, deep and emotionally destroying situation. I have only him to thank and praise.
I love you Lord God. You are my sheltre, protector, provioder and strength, In you I find refuge and safety. In only you will I trust. I think this is yet just another one of the stories in my life teaching me not to trust in the world and people around me, but only in Him - the one true and valid constant in my life. People are not perfect, but He is, and He’s my father and friend. But more of all all, He is mine.
I love you Daddy xxx
