Trying to Understand

I believe God speaks His nature and love to us thorugh music and in the same way we can worship him and enter His throne room in the same manner. This year God has shown me new and exciting things through music and song, one of the most memorable is the day I drove home from uni and without touching the ipod once this prayer (literaly by the words and order of the songs) was formed…. I was crying - because of the words, but mainly because of the message of assurance He gave me on a day when my education appeared to hit a finite end, and the day of freedom was here. How awesome.

In addition to this there has been some secular music that has spoken to me, and on a deeper listening has a spiritual undertone and meaning.

The main albulms that I have loved this year include:

• Whitney Houston
• Abundant Life Church - especially You Never Fail Me, and Send Me.
• Vicky Beeching  - the rawness of her worship and desire to go deeper into Jesus and all He is. Seeing her worshipping live at Birmingham NEC Stand Event was amazing.
• Delirious? - whilst I love some of the words of this band I especially like the way that they engage the younger generation and appeal specifically to them. Kingdom of Comfort is an amazing albulm.
• Britt Nicole - I wanna set the world on fire.
• Casting Crowns - Who am I and the Voice of Truth
• Godfrey Birtill - Balsam Trees - all about a change of perspective…. In the wilderness can you see Eden?
• Hillsong - This is our God Album especially the song This is our God
• Jason Upton- The World is Wide Open (1200ft below sea level albulm)
• Sam Blake and Joel Pridmore from Rivercamp08 - Breakout
• Micheal W Smith - A New HAllelujah
• CompassionArt
• African Childrens Choir
• Thre3 - Joy
• YFRiday - Holy Holy Holy
• Switchfoot - Meant to Live…. Its true, we are suppost to live for ’so much more.’

Howver my all time favourite song and impact of the year and most possibly my life has to be African Children’s Choir - It takes a whole village. It will take a lot to push that off the top spot! I imagine Lydia everytime I hear it - it sums up her life and the life of any small African child.

Found this while clearing out my emails… it was one significant part of the jigsaw that lead me to give my whole life to Christ in 2006. Its from a guy called Rob that I have never met or spoken to… just landed in my inbox in response to something that I had writtern somewhere.

I havent felt in the right mood to think about Christmas or the new year for the past few weeks so today I am rather glad that it the start of a new year, a year where I will live to the fullest and live each day as if its my last on this earth.

I have had little hope in the world this past year, This year I have the strongest and most true religion that I could ask for - Jesus. Jesus is my one and only hope. My only hope in reaching all my dreams and seeing all the plans that I have fulfilled. I refuse to put any hope in this world, earthly things of false goods - my hope is only in Him.

Christmas was different and in the normally way lacked alot of Christ. However saying that KCL did some great things this year and it was brilliant to be able to see a drama all around the real meaning of Christmas, even with the thoughts of the servants on the birth of the King ; just something you never take the time to think off. The most impacting momment of Christmas happened for me in this…. the servant kicked up a fuss about taking in the present, was horrid to the other servants etc… and in general emminated a horrid attitude. After he had given the present he sad there and said how wrong he had been, how mistaken he was and silently cried. A silent cry that personifies all of our thoughts and feelings of this saviour in human form, this baby Jesus, this God the day we see for real the power of that baby, the beauty and the majesty. That silent cry is my hearts cry - I want to have that revelation that sees Jesus in that light.

All I could think of this Christmas was Iman and Lydia - what was thier christmas like. The one conclusion I came to was that it would be less materialistic than mine and probably more Christ centred than mine too. I tried to replicate this, but the western way of consumerism didnt allow for this totally. Despite a lack of presents I enjoyed Christmas in my heart, I had a good time, the presents meant nothing, I have recieved the best present that the Father could offer me - the birth of his own son send for my life.

I saw the new year in with a desire to see God glorified this year and a complete change and relovution of life. I havent made any new years resolutions but I do have 4 ambitions:

• To see things from a different (Christ-like) perspective
• To seek the face of the Father through prayer
• To make steps towards a future in a country that has completly stolen my heart and
• To be content with what I have so that I can learn what it is to be content with what I dont have (have the heart and mindset of Iman)

There are some other things that would be lovely to see achieved this year, but in a way this encompasses them all.

So what has come out of 2008?

• A heart stolen by the realms of poverty and sacrifice.
• An education that is both self-centred and world-centred.
• Heavenly provision for the path to enter my dreams.
• Fundraising that has allowed kids to see the Lords provision.
• Many friendships bloom and bud.
• A realisation that my family is far beyond what I think and can see.
• The blessing of belonging and being accepted in the most amazing ‘family’ i could imagine.
• A greater sence of the fathers heart.
• A desire to succeed.
• A breakout of the box of religion into that of faith and experience.

Alot of rubbish stuff has happened this year, but i believe it all has a secodary purpose - its strengthened my faith. My faith in the unseen but yet not unexperienced. As I have laid there in my bed crying myself to sleep, driving down the A12 screaming about everything that has happened around me, in tears in the office, on the plane leaving my love and dreams behind, crouched on the floor behind my door unable to comprehend being in the UK, walking through the gardens of Buckingham Palace, feeling like a stranger in my own country (the list could go on)…. I have felt the love, comfort, compassion, embrace, touch of my only Father, the only one who knows me as a person inside out. That is faith and I am so glad that I have had it this year.

Thank you father.

This year has shown me that I have missed out on the earthly fatherly hug and ‘I love you’ statements, but as Mark Stibbe says, we can find all that in Jesus and I have. Its truly unexplanable.
So many people have contributed to my 2008 journey and I am truly thankful to them all. So in the way that I plan to live 2009 - although everything points to it being the worst year of my life, maybe it has been the foundation of my discipleship and teaching on how to live the rest of my life, equipping me with the skills and experience of his goodness and faithfullness to enter any depths and situation. Its all about seeing things from a different perspective.

In summary (from Jason Uptons new album 1200ft below sea level) “I have touched your hand, you have called me freind”.

Webale Yezzu.

I think I made the wrong decision the other day and didnt stand up for what I believed in or the needs of a particular student.
One student in patrticluar has started becoming really dependant on us and visits at least several times a day. When we got to the bottom of it it was because he was stressed and possibly on the edge of a breakdown. I happened to mark his pdp assignment the other day and learnt he was a christian. Having known him personally I started to think about him and pray for him. Then he comes along 6 times in one day asking silly questions and J and R see the need to rescue me from him.

At the time it was funny, but Im left feeling that I didnt take enough of an interest in him. I could have prayed with him. I felt bad all evening that I hadnt taken the right decision. I wish I had invested in his life more…. I hope the opportunity arises again. I do care and I want to show him that God does too. I want to show him compassion, I want to be Gods hands, eyes and feet on this planet.

Whitney Houston’s song just came on my computer and whilst I dont really have to stop what Im writing and write this I feel I have to… it has so much relevance and just hit a very strong chord inside:

I decided long ago, never to walk in anyone’s shadows
If I fail, if I succeed
At least I’ll live as I believe

A while ago I lived in several peoples shadows. Now the only shadow I live in, in His and the only plans I have enable me to reach my one dream that He has created inside of me. Im listening to different albulms on my computer because I relised (after a statement I wish I could forget from yesterday) I have become ‘institutionised’ to the world of Christian music. I need to stop listening to it all the time, its loosing the deep and serious meaning it should have to me. So this came on my shuffle player in itunes and I googled the lyrics - its powerful and I love it, even although I diagree with a few of the lyrics. Just for my own memory and recollection heres a few things that are currently standing out to me…..

I believe that children ARE our future
Teach them well and let them lead the way
Show them all the beauty they possess inside
Give them a sense of pride to make it easier
Let the children’s laughter remind us how we used to be

Everybody’s searching for a hero
People need someone to look up to
I never found anyone who fulfilled my needs
A lonely place to be
And so I learned to depend on me       
[very true of my life up till 2006, then this would be changed to 'And so I learned to depend on YOU']

Because the greatest love of all
Is happening to me

I found the greatest love of all
Inside of me
The greatest love of all
Is easy to achieve
Learning to love yourself
It is the greatest love of all
[Im in two minds about this verse..... yes its true - Im currently writing about my increased self awareness and realising how much I have had to learn to love myself and get to know myself, but also the greatest love of all is the love of Christ that I cannot even begin to comprehend.]

I believe the children are our future, I also belive the greatest love of all is happening to me  
 ”I believe our children are the future” Lots more baby blessings to come - once not wanted and denyed, now loved and providing a sense to acceptance and love to both the wider family and mother.

I know I keep thinking about the MBTI alot lately and its impact on me is immense - I even felt that it was becoming too controlling so I took a large step and spoke to VW on Sunday about it. Her words “when something is bad its either too weak or too strong in your life” spoke volumes to me, and I see the need to address the amount of influence that I allow this test to have over me. Her advice to spend time reading Proverbs instead of analysing myself according to Myers, Briggs or Jung will be actioned!

However in the meantime driving home from Essex uni today I was thinking about what Jill said about stress and MBTI E and I preference. I can recal many incidents of stress in my life over the past few months (there have been enough of them, and my current lack of hair in my fridge is testament to it) and the fact that I do internalise things, and then snap - hence demonstrating the I preference. I am however wondering to what degree do I do this? Is me writing things out like this my stress level of I turning to E? I feel so much better after a small rant - maybe this is because I still find it hard to let all my internal I stress bubble over to an E outpouring?

I dont know the answers. but I am taking comfort in that God does. He allows me to understand to some degree through my MBTI understanding, but the ultimate knowledge must be left to Him. He is the only one who will ever know me inside out - however much I strive to know I will never find out. He is the creator, I am merely the creation.

Food for thought

This morning over breakfast me and Jill decided that we would write an article on LS and MBTI, a simple topic that can be plucked straight from my undergrad. How awesome would it be to have an article published. I can see it being referenced now, “Baldwin, J.  and Butterfield, R. (2009)” Awesome!

But in all of this I still had an element of me trying to prove something to someone in the back of my mind, its just a good feeling to know that you have far exceeded your goal and are achieving something, but I was reminded…. Jesus wouldn’t have done that. However as long as I take the right approach to this its fine - its an opportunity for me to develop professionally and academically and for me to use the God given talents, gifts and opportunities that have been provided for me.

I’ve just to work on making sure that bitterness and past hurt with a few individuals has been forgiven and forgot. Im not proving anything to anyone anymore, Gods proving to me how m ightly He can and is working in my life - I must say He also has a rather funny sense of humour around it all two!

Once again today has been immensly surreal - today is day one of our course on research Pedagogic Skills and its very good, but surreal all the least. I am seeing a completly new approach to education and continually learning on the job daily…. I often nod to say I understand something and havent a clue. I must howver be able to pull it off tho!

I need to reflect alot on my own learning experience - there have been so many things that I know I just need to stop and write about but I lack the time. I will make time to do this - I have to for my dissertation. I need to. My own learning experience is so great at the momment and I have alot to thank Father for for that that I am not going to let it rush me by.

My own learning experience is enormous so that I can make some Ugandan kids learning experience just a little bigger and better, all in Jesus’ name.

Church was formal and structured this evening, apart from Simon’s talk! I felt weird being there, and not being as free as normal but I kept reminding myself that its good to have a change. Simon spoke about being clothed in righteousness and not the rags of the world (that has a bearing on what I felt this morning) and that actually we as Christians can get to the point where we can wear rags because we know we are socially accepted by Christ and do not need to be judged by anyone else even for our appearance.
Simon then made me, John H and another man stand up and asked people to spot why… I was clueless! It was because the first guy was in blue (evangelistic), John was in Red (Priest) and I was in Purple (King). He then got people to pray for all of us. It was amazing…. I just felt that acceptance and comfort from father that I have needed for a while - I guess part of it even resonates with the parable of the parables and Mark Stibbe’s book on adoption and the prodigal son. (more on that later!)

Amanada:

• Beauty, power and Lover
• Name known for authority - internationally.
• Feet annointed and that wherever I go I go in Gods blessing and authority carrying his authority.
• That the work from this year will not stop that it will take hold and take shape for the future and bless many more people it its process..
• Bless acadmeic studies and fundraising - that people will come to me for advise and that they will see Christ’s light in me as a teacher and be drawn to that fact.
• God will direct my paths - he will lead me on my decisions. I will not have to make them because He will give me peace about them.

Simon -

• Perfect love drives out all fear.
• This year has been apostolistic and that that will continue.
• Keeps reffering to my ministry - starting to see that that might now be in Uganda and in the realms of fundraising.
• I am a King. A princess. A person wil royal authority.

Keith -

• Rule. Not in the wrong sense but that I will rule in the field and rule with Christ’s Kingly authority.
• Kingly blood running through my viens - as he put his hand on my back this heat just went all the way through me.

So, despite being churchy and structured and rather quiet, I had an amazing evening (I hope that I can get a copy of the tape from Rob). Not going to church this morning made me want to worship more. I dont feel that Ive worshipped enough yet tonight, I just want to go for it more and more untill I see His face this evening. I will never be satisfied with worshipping Him.

When the soup run people came and joined the service I saw a face that I knew I recognised but I couldnt place where…. after a discussion with the guy I found out it was Steve Pawlack from the Co-Op. Was good to see him and relise that he was a christian. I really felt that I should have gone over to him and explained that part of my testimony that meant that I was in this church worshipping this amazing King Jesus but I couldnt find the opportunity. He said he seen me at other events so hopefully if I see him again I can bring this up. I know what an encouragement it is for people to see the ways that Christ has been working in thier workplace and in this situation he will not see it until I tell him. It may even be that he has prayed for people in our store - He will know that his prayers were answered by the one who always hears.

Thank you King Jesus for making me a King in your country too. I need your help and guidance to live up to expectations but I live in the knowledge that there is no condemnation in your kingdom for those that are in you. Thank you Father God.

 

Randomly this morning i felt compelled to pull out the daily prayer book that mum got me for my baptism last year and read todays entry:

It is better to be patient in spirit than proud in spirit - Ecclesiastes 7:8
And the prayer:
“Sovereign God, when I start to fret over the loss of a single minute, remind me that your love will continue for all eternity, Amen.”

The whole reading was about having patience and relising that whatever happens every minute belongs to God, and not loosing your patience over small things, especially when your schedule is so crowded. I was reminded of the fact that my life is packed at the momment and my life is continually controlled by my diary. Then I go and take my car to the garage this morning expecting them to tell me it can be fixed monday relatively easy and he tells me that the head gasket has gone. A job that could take a few days, cant be done until the week after next and if I drive it I seriously risk messing the whole engine up and it being in-reparable. Joy!

I come home tell dad and then just flip. I had no control over me flipping I just relised that I had so much to do and that this was going to ruin my whole schedule. Everything was going to disrupted and my control over time and schedule messed up and unachieveable. I suppose it was more this loss of control that didnt sit with me more than the fact I had no car. I feel like my legs have been chopped off and I have no freedom but also that I am going to let people down and not be able to meet all the appointments in my diary.

Now I see why I was drawn to that text this morning. Of great relevance is:
“Eternal God, I praise you for the faithfulness of your love and the constancy of your purpose. I thank you that though all else may change, you stay the same; that though heaven and earth may pass away, your word endures forever. Teach me to live each momment in the light of that assurance, recognising that your promises in Christ will never fail and that the new life he has won for me will never fade. Help me to enjoy all the blessings of this life, celebrating everything you have so richly given, but help me finally to put my trust in your eternal kingdom; in the one hope that will never disappoint me, Through Jesus Christ my Lord, Amen.”

Help me put my trust in you Lord and not material things like my job, my diary or my car.

It has also just struck me that this could also be a way of getting thorugh to me that I need more time to myself and time unstructured and controlled by circumstances and my diary.

Grant me that quiet and patient spirit Lord.